Orca – The Killer Whale

In keeping with our recent “Maritime Mayhem” kick, J and I watched cult favourite Orca: The Killer Whale (1977).  I had seen the film previously (albeit a loooong time ago) so I was prepared for it to be bad.  I was not, however, prepared to be mentally raped by the monumental stupidity presented within its 90 minute running time.With the explosion of Jaws (1975) in the public consciousness during the mid-70s, it was only a matter of seconds before a slew of lower caliber directors/producers took a stab at their own piece of the “creature-run-amok” sub-genre of horror films.  The first big-budget contender was 1977′s Orca, directed by Micheal Anderson (Logan’s Run) and produced by Dino De Laurentiis.  Famous for his big-budget, over-blown (yet surprisingly successful) clunkers, a small selection of De Laurentiis’ filmography appears below…

1985 Red Sonja
1984 Conan the Destroyer
1984 Firestarter
1984 Dune
1983 Amityville 3-D
1983 Halloween III: Season of the Witch
1983 Dead Zone
1982 Conan the Barbarian
1982 Amityville II: The Possession
1981 Halloween II
1980 Flash Gordon
1976 King Kong
1968 Barbarella

Orca is no different, boasting a big-name cast and relatively impressive special effects for the time.  Richard Harris stars as Captain Nolan, a poor man’s (and stupid man’s) Captain Ahab, who exhibits as much prowess for ship mastery as the logo on a Cap’n Crunch box.  Charlotte Rampling sleepwalks her way through her role as marine biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford opposite Harris.  Rounding out the cast are a pre-10 Bo Derek, a post-Cuckoo’s Nest (and pre-Poltergeist II) Will Sampson and finally Keenan Wynn (who I personally have only ever known as Digger Barnes, so let’s say pre-Dallas).

Lock and load

The movie opens with several romantic and nauseating shots of killer whales swimming in schools, frolicking with each other and generally presenting themselves as innocent, peace-loving and familial creatures.  Cap’n Nolan’s boat, The “Bumpo,” and its crew are fishing somewhere off the coast of Newfoundland (yay!) and come across Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford and her assistant as they are about to become shark bait.  De Laurentiis has never been accused of being a subtle film-maker, so “Orca” (in a moronically blatant attempt to distinguish its “monster” from Speilberg’s Bruce) makes quick work of the Great White shark closing on Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford and her assistant.  Cap’n Nolan is immediately thrown into Blood Lust™ and decides to hunt down the black and white behemoth.  The Bumpo’s crew harpoons a killer whale, but sadly it isn’t “Orca” (Cap’n Nolan is a pretty shitty shot).  The snagged whale is none other than his mate, practically bursting with child (or should I say calf…?).  The pregnant female is hauled onboard and promptly expels the fetus – is this a common stimulus response in Orcinus Orca?

Peekaboo!!

The fetus flops out onto the deck, much to the horror of the assembled crew.  The scene itself is relatively shocking, but more for the gross-out factor than for its dramatic resonance.  Immediately, we cut away to “Orca” screeching in agony as he realizes not only has his hot-ass lover been deep-sixed, but now their love child has had to endure the embarrassment of a premature curtain call.  For shame.

See that?  That’s you.

Anyway, “Orca” screams (did you know killer whales could do that?) and takes special note of Cap’n Nolan.  We know this because the filmmakers have decided to provide us with empirical evidence – a close-up shot of the beast’s eye, with Cap’n Nolan awkwardly matted in.  See?  The Whale is looking right at him as if to say, “I’m-a git you!”

You no dats right!  I’m-a kill you!

So begins the plot proper as “Orca” begins to systematically goad Cap’n Nolan into a rematch.  As far-fetched as you think this sounds, your thoughts couldn’t possibly do the absolute absurdity of this film justice.  “Orca” manages to destroy a gas factory, sink a few boats and raze a house to the ground (er – water).  Obviously the writers of this movie were trying to make “Orca” look intelligent (unlike that lumbering shark in Jaws) but it is taken to such an extreme with such extremely bad acting and extremely bad filmmaking, you cannot help but guffaw.

Immediately following any act of destruction, “Orca” is shown leaping into the air and kersplashing into the water triumphantly.  I conservatively estimate that this one looped shot is shown about 12 times in the movie, from the left or from the right, depending on whether or not the filmmakers decided to flip the negative.  And the shot is so clearly from an unsuspecting killer whale at SeaWorld, it’s laughable.

“Die, you puny human scum!”

Despite what Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford and a local aboriginal are sagely telling him, Cap’n Nolan decides the most appropriate course of action would be to saddle up the Bumpo and her crew and head out to sea…to presumably kill this whale, although by all accounts, Cap’n Nolan has resigned himself to his own impending death at the hands of this super-intelligent killer whale.  The event that triggers this insane kamikaze plan is the horrific maiming of Bo Derek’s idiotic character.  Deciding to spare her pathetic life, “Orca” chomps off her leg, making her running on the beach in 10 quite impossible…but I digress.

Nom, nom, nom.

The Bumpo’s crew decide to let “Orca” drive the boat and follow the killer whale towards the Arctic.  Along the way, Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford’s assistant is eaten by the whale.  Quite effectively, too…he goes out on one of the poles, “Orca” leaps up, grabs him and then hits the water with nothing in its mouth.  AMAZING!  Also, this sequence uses a wonderful shot of a killer whale at SeaWorld shoe-horned in.

Aargh!

Once in the Arctic, “Orca” puts his plan in motion and shoves an iceberg into the side of the Bumpo.  The boat begins to sink as Cap’n Nolan, Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford and the sagely aboriginal dude scramble onto the styrofoam – I mean, “ice.”  The whale smashes the styrofoam and a bunch of styrofoam bits come loose, apparently “killing” the sagely aboriginal dude.  We know this because we can see his gloved hand poking out of some styrofoam that has been painted red (that’s supposed to be blood, by the way).

I sees you.

Using a lot of squeaks and screeches and grunts, “Orca” manages to get Cap’n Nolan to come out onto a flimsy ice flow.  “Orca” circles, taunting him.  Finally, in what can only be described as the most exciting climax in the history of cinema, the whale slaps its fat head down on the ice flow and Cap’n Nolan slowly slides into the frigid waters of the Arctic.

I tol’ you – I’m-a git you, I’m-a kill you.  An’ I did.

With Cap’n Nolan only seconds away from death, and thankfully with this movie seconds away from completion, “Orca” lays the smack down – literally.  With a flick of his rubbery tail, the killer whale throws Cap’n Nolan in a skull-shattering thud against the iceberg.  Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford can only watch helplessly as Cap’n Nolan’s corpse (and Charlotte Rampling’s career) slide gruesomely into the icy blue.  Da-dum.

For an environmentalist, Dr. Rachel Bedford uses a LOT of styrofoam…

Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford, is saved by the timeliest helicopter in history as “Orca” swims away.  Now, there is some debate as to the fate of the killer whale at the end of the film.  Does he swim off into the sunset to live happily as a childless widower, taking comfort in the fact that he outwitted a group of the most inept homo sapiens assembled?  Or does he decide that he can’t live with the horror of what he’s witnessed, not to mention the thought of living without his only true love, and kill himself under the ice?  The short answer is this:  who gives a shit?   As the whale is seen swimming away, we hear the opening strains of undoubtedly the worst song to ever to grace the silver screen – “My Love, We Are One” by Carol Connors.  I cannot even do the absolute asshattery of this tune justice, so I suggest you youtube it immediately.  WARNING: Prepare lots of towels for your bleeding ears before hitting “Play.”

“Orca” is quite a fun film to watch, but it insults the viewer’s intelligence at every turn.  From the completely egregious portrayal of killer whales and their supposed vengeance fueled rampages causing untold damages to mankind’s achievements.  The performances are campy and the plot is nonsensical so one should watch it with an asteroid-sized chunk of salt.

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