King Solomon’s Mines, 1985

One might assume that a film starring Richard Chamberlain, Herbert Lom and John Rhys-Davies would be a winner on star power alone.  One might also assume that a ready-made, in-jar mixture of peanut butter and jam would be a wondrous thing.

One would be wrong.  Oh so very wrong.

Please click to embiggen and revel in the pure shittiness of this poster.

"I've got a bad feeling about this..." - Luke Skywalker, Star Wars (1977)

Way back in 1981, a little movie came out called Raiders of the Lost Ark. The movie was a supremely bad-ass, far-flung adventure that harkened back to the Saturday Matinee serials of old and captured the spirit of those shorts perfectly (while at the same time, updating them for a modern, 70s/80s audience).  Raiders, although popular and financially successful, managed to somehow avoid the plethora of cheap-ass knock-offs that invariably follow any popular, money-making film.  There were a few fool-hearty imitators, however.

The most notable, and likely worst, of the lot would be Cannon Films 1985 offering, King Solomon’s Mines. Filmed in 1984 and 1985 in Zimbabwe, it was likely green-lit in an effort to cash in on Raider‘s prequel, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, which was just released in 1984.  This unbelievably horrendous film stars Richard Chamberlain as intrepid adventurer Allan Quatermain,  Sharon Stone as the equally inept adventurer Jesse Houston, Herbet Lom as Colonel Klink Bockner, and John Rhys-Davies (who himself appeared in Raiders) as the slave trader, Dogati.  Because King Solomon’s Mines was based (very) loosely on the classic novel by H. Rider Haggard, The Cannon Group, Inc. probably thought they had a sure-fire hit on their hands…

…tsk, tsk, tsk.  Silly Cannon Group CEOs.  Trix are for your wives – because while you’re off to Zimbabwe to “produce” this shiteous “film,” they’ll need to be pulling tricks to keep your households afloat.  But I digress.

Let’s delve into the world of King Solomon’s Mines, shall we…and remember – when you see the horrible African native stereotype, it’s time to turn the page.

After the ominous The Cannon Group, Inc. logo, we open on a darkened room in some antique shop.  Three people, a young guy, an old guy, and a whiny dude in a fez who owns the antique shop, are slouched over a desk looking at some hand-held artifact shaped like a woman.  Turns out the old dude is an archeologist/historian, the young dude is his assistant and the fez dude wants the markings on the artifact translated.  Too giddy to contain himself, the young dude blurts out, “Is it the map to…?” Just as the old dude is about to explain all things womanly, Dugati (John Rhys-Davies) enters, looking decidedly evil dressed all in red and wearing an even bigger fez, demanding that the translation commence at once!  The young dude gets all uppity and heads for the door.  Dugati pulls out a mean looking knife and slices some rope that releases a huge meat tenderizer from the ceiling that swings down and impales the young dude several times while gruesomely punches through the door behind him.

A true Red Shirt Demise^©

“My door!” the whiny fez dude exclaims, obviously upset that his door was destroyed and clearly not bothered that somehow this elaborate Rube-Goldberg-contraption for door-side death had been set up in his shop without his knowledge.  Hmmm…

With this pointless death out of the way, the movie’s opening titles appear.  The score for King Solomon’s Mines was composed by the late, great Jerry Goldsmith (composer of the Star Trek: The Motion Picture and four other Star Trek films – creator of the theme heard on Star Trek: The Next Generation, as well as the most recognizable Klingon theme song; composer of Alien, Poltergeist, Legend, Chinatown, Planet of the Apes, Supergirl, Basic Instinct, The Secret of NIMH, Rambo, Total Recall, The Omen, to name just a few…).  Goldsmith’s score for King Solomon’s Mines is among his best; a rousing, bombastic and atmospheric score that is arguably almost as good as John Williams work on the Indiana Jones films.  It’s unfortunate that it is wasted on this such a craptacular load as King Solomon’s Mines.

"Eeeeeeek!" Tiffany Case, Diamonds Are Forever, 1971

As the credits roll and we pan over jungle backgrounds, Allan Quatermain (Richard Chamberlain) and Jessie Houston (Sharon Stone, in the career killing role of a lifetime) appear from the brush with their native guides in tow.  Stone’s character is established as a complete ass-hat almost immediately and runs through the film like a vein of granite, never wavering from this idiotic path or showing any potential for even the most rudimentary intelligence.  Ass-Hat Houston, Lagerfeld fan-a-flicking,  complains that the route they’re taking isn’t straight and Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain explains that, “It’s a jungle out there.”  Sheesh…

"Bitch, I was in Shogun & the Thornbirds...sfu..."

After walking a little further, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain tells Ass-Hat Houston that they’ve lost their shadow.  Being an ass-hat, she turns to their ESL Native Companion Umbopo, and asks, “What does he mean shadow?”  Seriously, the guy who said “We’ve lost our shadow” is right in front of her and she turns to the dude who barely speaks English.  Idiot.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain explains, nearly exasperated (me too) that they’ve been followed for the last few miles.  “What do you mean, followed?” – that is her actual line of dialogue, I shit you not.  Resisting the urge to crush her larynx with his man-hands, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain just keeps walking, praying that some venomous snake will take her any second.

Tiki, the local spy who cavorts like a monkey and kneels before the white man says, "Turn the page, please!"

The group emerges from the jungle and finds themselves at the gates of Tongola, some “town” that consists of gates, a wall, a circular market place and some dead end alleys constructed to make the place appear much larger than it is.  Movie Magic™!  Long Sufferin’ Quatermain tells Native Companion Ombopo to stow their shit while he and the ass-hat head into the city.  Being a superstitious sort, Native Companion Ombopo warns them not to go into the “town” alone.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain ignores this warning, as any good adventurer would, and heads off into town with Ass-Hat Houston close behind.

We then cut to a rooftop in Tongola, where The Evil Turk Dugati is, between puffs on a hookah and pampering by a local whore, complaining about the local German Army leader Colonal Klink Bockner‘s ear-shattering music – you guessed it – Wagner played on a screechy, old gramophone.  As Colonal Klink Bockner tries to extol the subtleties in Wagner’s composition, he reveals himself to be deliciously racist, closed-minded and unapologetic, all whilst chomping on a bratwurst – I swear, I’m not making this up.   Tiki then shows up and explains that a group of honkies has entered town, and they’re not the fun-loving German kind.  Evil Turk Dugati rises dramatically and hisses the name “Quatermain” at the camera (I think he also twirled his moustache and snickered, but I’m not sure).

Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain and his Ass-Hat work their way through town, as Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner discuss their desire to get to King Solomon’s Mines.  Our “heroes” pass by a slave-trading session, credited to Evil Turk (and slave trader) Dugati, as Quatermain explains that for $100 you could own one for life.

“$100?  That’s terrible,” Ass-Hat responds, appalled.   “Well, you could always bargain…” he quips and they keep moving.

Mapaki Chief, Bone-Staff and Spear Weilding Cannibal says, "Turn the page, please!"

The “heroes” meet the Mapaki, a cannibal tribe, who take a particular interest in Ass-Hat Houton (must be her blond hair, or perhaps the lack of pesky brain matter that they don’t have a taste for).  As she flips out, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain gently leads her away explaining that they were only grocery shopping.  Ass-Hat loses her shit and screams that she hired Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain to take “[her] to the [the local strip club] “House of Isis,” not on a tour!”  He snarkily points out that it’s just in the next courtyard (meaning: this courtyard, re-arranged) and she storms off in a huff.

Rather instantly, Ass-Hat Houston is abducted by the natives and they place her inside a rolled-up rug so as not to draw attention to themselves – their flagrant, mid-afternoon, full daylight, central market place abduction of the only white woman for miles notwithstanding.  Since Tongola is the rug capital of Africa, the plan does have merit.  Our “hero” gives chase to the rug salesman and grabs his overly wrapped belt, causing him to spin out of control – uh, sure.  Fortunately for our “heroes,” they’re not the only white people in Tongola today.  As the rug salesman is spinning out of control, this proper looking English gentleman appears.

One of these things is not like the other.

He gets hit, not once, but twice because the editor, super genius that he must have been didn’t realize that having the shot of the only white guy getting hit with the rug more than once could be fairly obvious – actually, would be completely obvious.

Hit #1

Hit #2

The rug eventually hits the ground and unrolls, revealing that Ass-Hat isn’t even inside (paralleling a much more skillfully shot scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, with woven baskets instead of rugs).  The rug with Ass-Hat inside is quickly taken up to The Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner.  The rug merchants unroll the rug as their captive rolls right across the floor and through the very weak roof barrier.  She tumbles across a very bouncy awning and onto an awaiting horse cart as the enraged Evil Turk Dugati beats a couple of his slaves.  The horse bolts and Ass-Hat is unwittingly involved in the lamest chase ever.  As the cart circles and circles the same marketplace, shot from different angles, we’re treated to cutaways of Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain in pursuit.

No comment.

Two local thugs board the out-of-control horse cart and begin half-assedly attacking the “heroine” and she thumps on their gleaming, sweat-drenched, ebony chests…uh, nevermind.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain arrives in the nick of time to beat off the thugs (heh…) and grab the reigns.  As he stops the horse, the back of the cart gives out and Ass-Hat Houston and a bunch of plastic vegetables go tumbling out onto the dirty local street.  Her fight-or-flight instinct kicks in and she goes screaming off down an alleyway and grabs a local garment as a disguise.

Very convincing.

She eventually finds her way to the House of Isis, run by Kazaam, the whiny, fez-wearing dude from the opening of the film.  The scene progresses with some particularly horrible acting from Ms. Stone as she explains that her father is an archaeologist/historian who had come to see Kazaam about a map.  In the midst of this explanation, Kazaam manages to get her into shackles and a choker (I told you she was stupid).  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain arrives just in time, smashing through a tiny skylight in the roof (why?) and destroying a table in the process.  Kazaam, still reeling from having to replace his front door, is devastated but removes the shackles at Quatermain’s insistence.  When he does, Ass-Hat puts on her clobbering shoes and grabs the antique dealer by the collar, shouting, “Where’s my father you cheap suited, camel jockey!?”  Again, an actual line of dialogue.  Our “heroes” manage to get the info out of Kazaam with the help of a gun – Old Dude Professor Houston was looking for a map to the fabled King Solomon’s Mines.

Pricelessly papier-mâché'd

Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain scoffs and notices an ornate looking sarcophagus.  Smelling formaldehyde, he opens it up.  Inside they find Ass-Hat’s father’s assistant, Rupert (or the Young Dude from the beginning of the film – try to keep up, we’re like only 15 minutes in now).  The two of them lose it and Quatermain yells, “Where is her father, you towel-headed creep!” – providing us with two racist tirades in one scene.  Kazaam claims ignorance while Ass-Hat digs around Rupert’s mummified corpse.  She pulls out the hand-held object from the opening of the movie and uses it to smash Quatermain over the head, mistaking him for Kazaam – I’m just writing what I see, kids.  She then shatters the statue against one of the concrete columns in the shop.  Kazaam seizes the opportunity and pulls out a revolver from one of the many objects in his shop.  The antique dealer is an exceptionally fine shot – first he shoots the gun out of Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain’s hand in one shot, then he does it a second time when Ass-Hat grabs the dropped gun and tries her luck at the turkey shoot, only this time the gun lands in his free hand.  So now we have Kazaam with a gun in each hand, firing madly and our “heroes” pinned behind a trunk – intrepid, indeed.

"Oh...so it actually was a stick of dynamite in your pocket...you weren't happy to see me..."

Without any other option, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain pulls out a stick of dynamite from his pants pocket, lights it and tosses it towards an upper part of the shop.  As Kazaam scrambles to climb up a pile of antiques to get it, our “heroes” attempt to flee, only to be stopped by The Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner.  The two Evil Doers force our “heroes” back inside the shop just as Kazaam proclaims he’s found the dynamite – then he promptly explodes.

Epic. Fail.

The explosion throws the villains out of the shop as Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain and Ass-Hat Houston meet up with Native Companion Ombopo.  He shuffles Ass-Hat away as our “hero” attempts to retrieve her father.  Colonal Klink Bockner, in a nearby building, is whipping Old Dude Professor Houston, while asking where the map is and explaining that they’re going to be taking the train to the German camp in Barumba where he will have to talk or die.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain is listening to this entire conversation from a window, but is interrupted by a German soldier who draws his gun.  Our “hero” lights another stick of dynamite (in his endless supply) and tosses it into the German truck outside that is waiting for the villains, emptying it of passengers.  He then jumps in and drives off.  Long Sufferin’ Quatermain picks up Ass-Hat Houston and Native Companion Ombopo, and tosses out the lit stick of dynamite.  It explodes and blocks the roadway behind them.  Buying themselves some time, Quatermain jumps out and frees the group of slaves they saw earlier.  See – this movie isn’t racist at all.

Native Companion Umbopo, so primitive and backwards that he is deathly afraid of driving in auto-ma-cars disagrees and says, "Turn the page, please!"

The evil ones manage to catch up to our “heroes” and another lame chase, round and round the same, stale old marketplace ensues.  Thankfully, it doesn’t last long as a Muslim cleric comes out and calls everyone to daily prayer, shutting down the extensive roadways of Tongola.  They escape, leaving their pursuers in the dust.

Some time later, our “heroes” are seen taking a minor romantic interlude.  They rush to catch the train to the German camp and place their truck in the middle of the track to ensure that it will stop.  It doesn’t, and their truck is obliterated as the locomotive smashes through it.  They scramble to get onto the moving train, making it in the nick of time.  Phew!  Exciting!

Um, it could, like, totally be an Imperial trap, too.

Leaving Ass-Hat and Native Companion Umbopo behind, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain heads off to find Old Dude Professor Houston.  He wiggles down under the train carriages to make sure he’s not detected by the German soldiers.  One manages to see him and follows him under the train for a slow-moving fight scene that ends with the hapless German receiving a face full of steam and falling to his death.  Ass-Hat gets a little antsy and decides to leave Ombopo and see where Quatermain’s gone.  She manages to get through the German soldiers by using her feminine wiles.  Meanwhile, Qautermain bursts into one of the train cars and is surrounded by the business ends of guns.  He pulls out a bugle and begins leading the completely retarded German soldiers in a round of Camptown Races, a horrifically racist song, allowing him to escape.

Some of the soldiers were hoping for a less literal interpretation of "Blow my horn"

Long Sufferin’ Quatermain finds Old Dude Professor Houston being tortured by The Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner in the caboose (as in, he was being tortured in the last train car, not what you were thinking, perv).  He unlatches the window as Ass-Hat Houston shows up.  Ahead of the train, an elephant crossing the tracks (probably on its way to a funeral) causes the train to brake slowly.  The laws of physics don’t apply to Ass-Hat, however, and she goes flying, head first into the caboose from above.

In case you were unsure of why Sharon Stone never talks about her career pre-Basic Instinct.

With Ass-Hat in their vile clutches, the villains turn their attention to Long Sufferin’ Quatermain by shooting up through the ceiling.  Silly music begins as he must dance around to avoid the bullets – srsly?  We’re also treated to some of the worst blue-screen work ever committed to celluloid.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain falls over the side of the train, just barely hanging on as the Huge, Over-sized, Evil Henchman emerges with a sledgehammer in hand.  The Huge, Over-sized, Evil Henchman manages to grab hold of our “hero” and tosses him between the train cars.  Richard Chamberlain’s stuntman takes over and manages to grab a chain that is inexplicably dangling loose below the train.

"I guess if the matting the stunt man is sliding on doesn't blend, it's not THAT big a deal." Wha-?

…riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

Long Sufferin’ Quatermain manages to get himself upright and ride the rails – I shit you not, yet again.  As he gets himself back onto the train, local savages with white-man weapons attack the train.  In the commotion, Native Companion Umbopo sneaks his way through the German soldiers and dispatches of the Huge, Over-sized, Evil Henchman quite expertly.  Again underneath the train, Long Sufferin’ Quatermain wiggles his way underneath the caboose as a Random German Sadist/Homosexual attempts to seduce Old Dude Professor Houston and failing that, Ass-Hat Houston.  Random German Sadist/Homosexual is so taken with his own efforts, that he doesn’t notice the double barreled shotgun poking through the floor boards of the caboose.  Not good.

All Hands on Deck

The “heroes” unlatch the caboose from the rest of the train as Native Companion Ombopo makes a timely appearance from up on the roof.  As the German train is speeding away, Long Sufferin’ Quatermain pulls two sticks of dynamite out of his pants and hands one to Ombopo (that’s a total of four sticks out of his pants for those keeping count).  He sets the other alight and throws it at the back of the train just as The Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner appear from inside the car.  Kabloooey!

They return inside their rapidly slowing caboose and Old Dude Professor Houston speaks about the mines and how they’re not just a legend or a fantasy as Quatermain insists.  He also asks our “hero” to promise that he’ll get to the mines first.  Ass-Hat, being an Ass-Hat, promises her father that she’ll find the mines.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain tells Native Companion Ombopo to take Old Dude to the village to get him medical attention.  Ombopo vows to meet up with them later.  Ass-Hat and Long Sufferin’ share a tender moment outside of the train where he tells her that “[He] does believe in the mines, but he’s starting to believe in [her].”  Like seriously, what the f*ck does that mean?  The sound of an approaching plane distracts them.

"Hey, I think that's a plane."

Our “heroes” follow the plane to a small German airfield nearby where Ass-Hat manages to commandeer an aircraft – not using intelligence, mind you, just using her hotness.  The plan backfires, however, as the aircraft lurches forward and Ass-Hat is unable to control the aircraft (surprised, anyone?).  The surrounding camp is alerted to the theft, due in part to the sound of the engine, but more specifically due to Ass-Hat’s screams of terror.  In an effort to stop the stolen plane the German’s assign a motorcycle.   No wonder they lost both wars.  Credit where it’s due, I suppose – the Germans may have realized that Sharon Stone was far too idiotic to ever get the thing airborne.

Ass-Hat does manage to scare the beejesus out of the Germans though, and the motorcyclist loses control of the bike, crashing it until it kerplodes.  Long Sufferin’ Quatermain catches up to the runaway plane and jumps onto the wing (again, some stupendously bad blue screen work in this scene).  With our “hero” dangling precariously from the wing, they are attacked by a bad Red Baron Wannabe who loses in the lamest game of chicken I’ve ever seen.  The Red Baron Wannabe is finally felled by a kick to the head.  Wait…they’re in planes – how could a kick to the head do him in, you say?  Witness.

Heavy flow day?

Meanwhile, far below, The Evil Turk Dugati and Herr Colonal Klink Bockner are slowly trudging their way across the African plains, carried by a group of slaves who are doing most of the trudging.  Our “heroes” decide to buzz just above the group to scare the ever lovin’ shit out of them.  It works and the slaves scatter.  Ass-Hat does something mildly clever and drops a couple bombs on the group – oddly, these bombs were just tucked away near her seat at the rear of the plane.

The plane is hit on its last low pass and Long-Sufferin’ and Ass-Hat are forced to land – or should I say jump for their lives.  As they leap from the aircraft, it turns into a very bad model – good thing they got out.  The two of them look up and notice two Titty-Shaped Mountain peaks, which harken back to the map to the mines, in the shape of a woman – The Breasts of Sheba.  Intriguing.

I think I see Mel Lastman...oops, nope - they got him.

Quatermain and Ass-Hat continue along their merry way and are ambushed by a surprisingly large number of angry Mapaki (the cannibals from earlier in the film).  Our “heroes” as you probably already guessed, are the main course at a meal in their honour.  Schnikies!  The Mapaki herd them up to their huge pot full of plastic vegetables (also reused from earlier in the film) and set it alight.  In what is probably the most moronic moment in the film (or any film), they escape by rocking the huge pot back and forth until it finally tips over and begins violently rolling down the side of the mountain.  It comes to rest near a pride of lions who express little interest in the two numbnuts who live in the round, moving cave.  Our “heroes” share another stolen (and pointless) romantic moment as a lion rests its weary bones at the lip of their pot.

The "Oogah-Boogah'ing" Canniballistic Mapaki tribesman, complete with bone hair pieces and ornate skeleton shields say, "Please turn the page!"

The lion eventually decides to move on, as do Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain and Ass-Hat Houston.  They reach a wooded glade and are pulled up into the trees by another tribe, the Obugwa.  The Obugwa, according to our “hero,” are the legendary guardians of King Solomon’s Mines – hopefully no fatties will ever try to get to the mines, or these malnourished natives will have a tough time yanking them up to the tops of trees.  In any event, they treat them royally – quite literally – presuming that Ass-Hat is a queen of some kind.  They place a beautifully ornate and starburst-filtered crown upon her head.

Just then, at the other side of the Obugwa’s territory, the band of Evil Doers arrive.  The Obugwa make quick work of the soldier fodder, further diminishing the group’s numbers.

The Obugwa lead Ass-Hat and Long Sufferin’ to safety.  After being dropped off, they walk only a few feet when a life-size replica of the map to the mines from earlier in the film pops-up in front of them.  They continue a little further and are captured (yet again) by another tribe, even more racially insensitive than the last.  Let’s see how many we can count, shall we?

1. Spear wielding, rabble-roused native riff raff - Check!

2. Skull-faced, dusty muscle men - Check!

3. Crazy-eyed, bone-decked, skull-staffed witch doctor - Check!

4. Overly wrinkled, crazy haired, leopard-fun-fur clad, bad toothed, mumbo-jumbo spouting High Priestess - Check!

…and for good measure…

5. Ornately decorated, bone-through-the-nose foot soldiers - Check!

This motley crew decides to tie up Long Sufferin’ and hoist him up above their conveniently placed alligator pit.  The crowd is worked into a total lather, anxiously awaiting our “hero’s” demise while Ass-Hat begs for his life.  Her pleas fall on deaf ears.  Quatermain wriggles his arms free just as a huge explosion goes off near them.  Emerging from the dust is none other than Native Companion Ombopo!  His appearance draws a very worried look from the High Priestess, especially when he begins shouting something at the gathered crowd and thumping his chest.

I think Richard Chamberlain might have actually been there, but I'm not sure.

The witch doctor attacks Ombopo as Long-Sufferin’ cuts the rope and defies the laws of physics by swinging across the alligator pit using a stationary rope.  When he lands he tangles with the skull-faced chaps and makes his way towards Ass-Hat, who is being man-handled away.  The High Priestess makes a quick exit on the shoulders of some underlings.  Native Companion Ombopo starts yammering aloud about how he is the rightful ruler of the Kukuwanas (I’m going to assume he means the mish-mash of stereotypes amongst whom our “heroes” find themselves).  As his new subjects begin kneeling before Ombopo, another explosion goes off near the gates to the enclosure as the Evil Doers being pouring in.  YIKES!  The Evil Turk Dugati has acquired a magical weapon that fires ammo in an incredible arc.  Colonal Klink Bockner’s men begin shooting everything that’s not white in sight, pushing the Kukuwanas and our “heroes” further back.  Ass-Hat, still in the clutches of the skull-faced thugs, is wrangled into a cave at the High Priestess’ direction and Long Sufferin’ and Native Companion King Ombopo arrive just as the secret passageway closes in front of them.

The Evil Doers decide to forgo their pursuit of the “heroes” and opt instead to head for the mines, leaving a village that has been razed to the ground in their wake.  Sensitive.  As the nefarious group makes their way towards the mines, they encounter some booby-traps which again, further diminish their numbers.  In an effort to not kill every member of their group before the end of the movie, they change tactics and follow Long Sufferin’ and the King.

Who are the real savages?

Our “heroes” lead them right to the mines, but trick the entire group into walking straight into a pit of quicksand (which looks suspiciously like dyed ground beef floating in water).  The Evil Doers, in the midst of sinking to their deaths, still fire on Long Sufferin’ and the King as they finally breach the entrance to the mines.  The Evil Turk Dugati decides to shoot most of the sinking party, providing himself and those lucky enough to escape his maniacal lunacy, with a convenient series of objects to step on in order to cross the quicksand safely.  Cold.

John Rhys-Davies was doing these underpaid extras a favour by putting them out of their collective misery.

The High Priestess and her thugs take Ass-Hat into a very red chamber, which I can only assume means there’s lava nearby – or dyed water with red lights under it and  some dry ice in it.  At the same time, The Surviving Evil Doers enter the mines.  Colonal Klink Bockner decides that it’s about time for a double-cross, so he shoots The Evil Turk Dugati five times (five…got it?).  He then shows some actual intelligence and commands (at gunpoint) the two remaining party members to enter the mines before him.  In the red chamber, the High Priestess is in the midst of some bizarre ritual that involves a glowing hot object (a mask…?) being hoisted above the lava by her thugs and then placed (?) on Ass-Hat’s head?  Jealous much?  As his girlfriend is about to be permanently mutilated, Long Sufferin’ arrives with King Ombopo and they knock the thugs hoisting the mask into the “lava.”  Enraged, the High Priestess orders the two remaining thugs to give Ass-Hat a bath…IN LAVA!  Nail biting!  The “heroes” seize a moment of distraction and knock out the last of the thugs as the High Priestess retreats into the catacombs.

You know this is lava because when you fall in, a badly matted explosion appears.

Long Sufferin’ Quatermain, Ass-Hat Houston and King Ombopo head into another part of the mines and gingerly make their way across a series of stone platforms in some water.  King Ombopo, realizing these two are not the brightest bulbs, warns them to not step on the stone with the HUGE RED DOT ON IT.  Confused at first, they comply and head safely through this room into the next.  The new chamber has several back lit, lucite encased mannequins which, according to the King, are the previous Queens of the Kukuwana.  They’re also all Caucasian and that’s why the High Priestess lost her shit at the site of Ass-Hat Houston (that and her horrible “acting”).  The High Priestess appears and lures King Ombopo away from the others, as Colonal Klink Bockner enters the red chamber.  He orders the stupider of his two hapless companions to go down a separate tunnel to determine the danger (meaning: go down this tunnel to die, or otherwise pre-occupy whatever nasty beast is laying in wait).  Less than 10 seconds into his exploration of this tunnel, the idiot encounters a spider even more horribly executed than the one appearing in the climax of the TV movie IT (1990).  Predictably, he gets caught in the web and is killed.  Colonal Klink Bockner is ambushed at the same time, but shoots his attacker off.

Oh for fuck's sake...

Long Sufferin’ and Ass-Hat hear the gunshot and attempt to flee, only to find themselves in a new chamber – full of TREASURE!  Being exceptionally dim, the two of them decide to fill as many available pockets and orifices as they can and make their escape (Indiana Jones would never do this…).  Outside, Colonal Klink Bockner makes his way across the stone steps in the water, only to have his sole remaining companion step on – you guessed it – the rock with the huge red dot on it.  D’OH!  The rock platforms drop away and he is plunged into the water, disappearing in a furious gurgling of foam.

Back in the treasure chamber, Long Sufferin’ and Ass-Hat feel a little kharmic justice when the High Priestess pushes a stone lever which seals the treasure chamber and causes the spiked ceiling to start descending – at this point they weren’t even bothering to try and disguise their flagrant lifts from the superior Indiana Jones films.  The two attempt to stop the lowering spikes by wedging objects into place, eventually succeeding in saving their stupid asses.  Successfully until the room starts filling with water, that is.

Sharon Stone's agent just informed her that she's actually contracted to do TWO of these shiteous pictures - BACK TO BACK!

As the water finally reaches their chins, Ass-Hat professes her love for Long Sufferin’ Quatermain.  He’s already beneath the surface so he likely doesn’t hear.  With the water about to fill their lungs, a huge explosion rocks the chamber and drains all the water.  Colonel Klink Bockner, in his impatient attempt to get to the treasure, laid dynamite at the door and demolished it, inadvertently saving our “heroes” lives.  They slide across the floor and are knocked out as Herr Colonel surveys his newly acquired treasure.  His ego stroking is interrupted by the very much alive, Evil Turk Dugati, who is understandably peeved that the Colonel shot him.  Five. Times. Got it?

The Evil Turk has a great plan though – instead of killing the German, he gets him to act as a courier for the treasure: in his hat, his pockets, his pants, even his stomach.  Colonal Klink Bockner is taken aback by the request, but complies when Dugati assures him that when they eventually escape he will split him open.  Oh, that’s ok then.  The Colonel swallows stone after stone at The Evil Turk’s insistence.

I personally wanna see that x-ray.

Elsewhere, the High Priestess and King Ombopo exchange some gibberish and then she unceremoniously leaps into a gaping well in the middle of the floor.  The reason?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Then she inexplicably bursts into flame.  Her kerplosion causes the entire mountain to shudder and King Ombopo makes a quick exit to find his friends.  The Evil Turk Dugati is crushed as the ceiling of the treasure chamber collapses in on top of him, but Colonal Klink Bockner is able to escape, despite being filled with precious jewels.  Before leaving however, he extols the superiority of German laxatives (again, actual dialogue folks) and shoots the last remnants of the ceiling onto the trapped Dugati (with a gun that was just sitting there).

Outside, Long Sufferin’ and Ass-Hat awaken and head towards the exit as the caves collapse around them, running into King Ombopo in the process.  As the styrofoam rocks and dust rain down from the ceiling, our “heroes” find themselves back in the water chamber with the stone steps.  The missing section is still gone, but the King presses a button to reset the trap.  With a clear passage, the trio sets out.  They’re soon stopped by the gun-brandishing  Colonal Klink Bockner who demands they give him all the treasure they’ve accumulated since “diamonds are no good to the dead, are they?”  But Long Sufferin’ has a plan and he places their loot on the stone with the huge red dot on it and informs the Colonel that he’ll have to come get them – which he does.

As soon as the idiot stands on the red dotted stone, the platform collapses and he is plunged into the water.  What follows really defies any sort of logic or good taste or clever writing…so I give you Colonal Klink Bockner’s death scene…

Sweet merciful Christ, it’s the stupidest thing you’ll ever see in your life.  A papier-mâché sea monster or other sea cow raises it’s horrible inanimate head and appears to chomp on Colonal Klink Bockner, but he manages to swear revenge on behalf of the German Army before finally being pulled under.  I personally volunteer to switch places with the Colonel if it means this will end faster.  Before the “heroes” leave the chamber, however, a small pile of diamonds rises from the depths atop one of the stone platforms.  Ass-Hat and Long Sufferin’ make a move to grab it, but King Ombopo stops them saying that “the diamonds belong to the mountain.”  Jeez – you’re a real drag, you know that?!

They make their way to the red chamber where the King and Ass-Hat are separated from Quatermain when a lava filled crack forms in the floor.  Long Sufferin’ orders King Ombopo to take Ass-Hat out of the mines and he does.  Our “hero” scrambles to find an escape, but is halted by a fist to the face care of The Evil Turk Dugati who has now been shot five times and crushed by tonnes of craggy rocks.  Dust covered, he enters the room and expresses the pleasure he’s anticipating at finally killing Long Sufferin’.  The two scuffle as the Evil Turk tries to push Quatermain’s face into the red water (lava).  Our “hero” manages to get to his feet and after a few exchanged blows, the villain lights himself on fire accidentally.

"Sweet, sweet merciful release..." John Rhys-Davies

Long Sufferin’ continues to battle The Evil (and Immolating) Turk Dugati, eventually pinning him to the wall with a long stick.  Dugati throws our “hero” back and runs at him headlong, screaming, “We go TOGETHER!”  Long Sufferin’ flips the running fireball up and over him and into the water, I mean – lava, and also falls in.  But wait!  Our “hero” actually grabs a chain hanging around the lava pit (apparently, it’s not the kind of lava that heats up nearby metal).  But wait again!  Our “hero” in fact does dip his entire feet in the water (look in the bottom right-hand corner, here, here and here) but miraculously he walks away unharmed.  Long Sufferin’ pole vaults across the lava chasm and runs out of the mines, just as the entrance collapses and another badly matted explosion effect tells us that the mines are gone forever.

See what your white greed got you? Please note that the explosion special effect is doubled, mirrored and then flipped upside down - for unknown reasons. Movie Magic™!

The “heroes” are instantly back in the Kukuwana village, which has somehow completely rebuilt itself from the previous devastation in a matter of minutes.  In addition, King Ombopo has acquired a lovely new headdress! Long Sufferin’ gripes to the King about how he kept his knowledge of his royal blood and the mines a secret.  King Ombopo tells him that he shouldn’t be upset that he did not get to keep the diamonds (I don’t think that’s what he said, actually…).  He goes on to say that since they were the last people to see the inside of King Solomon’s Mines, they have a wonderful memory that they can carry forever.  Yeah, well, memories and a dime won’t buy a ticket out of this shithole, your Royal Doucheness.

Plundering the ancient storehouses of these ignorant primitives makes me hot - how 'bout you?

Ass-Hat Houston and Long Sufferin’ Quatermain make their way through the main gates of the village and he tells her that he couldn’t let her father, Old Dude Professor Houston, come away with nothing.  He then produces a massive diamond from his pocket (using up all four of his dynamite sticks earlier in the film left him with a lot of room).  Then Ass-Hat produces a similarly massive diamond, telling Long Sufferin’ that “[she] didn’t want [him] to go through all of this for nothing.”

Frankly, if you think a 532 karat diamond is payment enough to put up with your complete ass-hattery for two hours, you’re stupider than I thought.

King Solomon’s Mines is a monumentally bad film, but I must admit I was never bored once during it and it kept me laughing for it’s entire 1h 40m running time.  I suggest you go out and witness the buffoonery for yourself.  Till next time!

Ostrich headdress & leopard skin wearing Native Companion King Ombopo says, "Thank you for reading. Goodbye!"

The "Oogah-Boogah'ing" Canniballistic Mapaki tribesman, complete with bone hair pieces and ornate skeleton shields say, "Please turn the page!"