At the time I watched King Solomon’s Mines, I thought it was as bad as a movie could be. I was wrong.
Thankfully, the “filmmakers” got together on the same trip to Zimbabwe and filmed a second, even more mind-numbing film. Like the two halves of He-Man’s Power Sword™, the two films come together to unleash a dizzying array of shit-stained, vomit-caked, movie pooh on the world (that’s right – the pooh is shit-stained…and vomit-caked).
The Plot (?) in 150 Words or Less
Our “heroes” from the previous installment, King Solomon’s Mines, have settled down to a quiet life in a nondescript Colonial African town. After receiving a message from a barely alive (and then dead) vagrant who comes stumbling out of the jungle pursued by two mysterious assailants, Allan Quatermain must endure his punishment lover, Jesse Houston’s, ineptitude and penchant for idiocy on another rollicking adventure through deepest, darkest (and heavily stereotyped Africa). In pursuit of his long lost and long thought dead brother, Quatermain and Houston join forces with James Earl Jones (!) and (frequent post-Richard Dawson Match Gamer) Robert Donner. They clash with Elvira, Mistress of the Dark and Dick Tracy’s Influence in a city of gold-like splendour full of Caucasians, staffed by Africans…hmmm…
The Cast in 150 Words or Less
Not much has changed here from the first film; Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone belly flop their way through another pool in dire need of severe floating pooh-log removal. Stone is especially miscast and lolls around the film, chewing up the scenery with her buffoonery and appearing to actually laugh through her own dialogue delivery in a couple scenes. Chamberlain at least makes an effort to elevate the bargain basement material (failing at almost every turn, but the effort is laudable).
Robert Donner as the over-the-top racial stereotype, Swarma, an Indian conman who is permanently in the prayer position and constantly spouting dialogue that comes out all “goodness, gracious, me!” All in brown-face, no less.
The rest of the cast is forgettable, except perhaps for Martin Rabbett, who plays Quatermain’s estranged brother, if only for the fact that Charmberlain and Rabbett have been partners since the making the film in 1987.
The Gist in 100 Words (exactly)
Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is at once a horrible movie and also a horrible movie experience – you watch it, especially after finding the first film so amusing and realize that a bad film can be unendurable.
This movie is “anti-film” – it has so few redeeming qualities that it is difficult to recommend on any level. Not as charming or as fun as the first film, but it never tries. On a positive note: the late Jerry Goldsmith’s score is amazing, just as it was in the first film (no new music was written for the sequel).
Till next time!
