John Huston! Shelley Winters! Henry Fonda!
Horrid special effects, even worse performances, and
…a giant, blood-lusty cephalopod!! I give you…
…TEN-TALK-A-LEEEEEEEEEEZE!
This review is brought to you by…
"When regular rice just isn't enough for your ungrateful family..."
In keeping with the Maritime Mayhem theme, I give you Tentacles (1977), or as it was originally titled: Tentacoli (that’s Italian for…TENTACLES). Clever, huh? As you’re reading this review, you will likely notice some parallels to this film and JAWS (1975) which has been shamelessly ripped off serves as the inspiration for Tentacles. Anyway on with the “fun!”
Cool font, no?!
We begin in the town of Ocean Beach, so named because its economy is largely dependent on the beach and the fact that it has a lot of oceanfront property (to say nothing of the completely boobery of the writers). The real estate market, as we are about to find out, isn’t going to remain as robust as previously thought. From the inside of a cab, we are given the POV of an unknown passenger as we hear chit-chatting on the taxicab radio. During this montage of cheap postcard shots, we are shown a billboard for a yacht race taking place at Solana Beach. Got it? Good. The camera pans to a woman and her baby on a grassy knoll. An incongruous and shrill harpsichord progression indicates that something bad is about to happen…or that we should turn the page. Its up to you.
Wait – what’s this? We are treated to another POV shot (prepare thyself – there are a LOT in this film) of something (what could it be…??) popping up out of the water near the mother and baby. As the woman blubbers to her uninterested child, it becomes clear that she wasn’t even speaking English at the time of filming and her Anglo-centric baby talk was dubbed in (badly) afterwards. This happens a lot in this film as it was an Italian film – directed by an Italian with an Italian crew and a supporting cast consisting almost exclusively of Italian actors – that had a few big American acting names attached, presumably to secure production money, but I digress…
My jaunty head wrap and oversize bead necklace belie a quivering emotional wreck underneath...
While the Mother of the Year™ is annoying her child, a truck pulls to a stop behind them. The driver shouts at the Mother of the Year™. She obligingly abandons her child, trotting over to have a nice, long, distracting conflab with the driver of the truck as her child is horribly gored by a sea beast. The most idiotic thing about this scene is not the mother’s complete disregard for the welfare of her baby, but the nonplussed reaction she has to seeing her baby’s stroller, mangled almost beyond recognition, floating thirty feet from shore. It’s the feigned concern of a housewife coming across a dead squirrel in the street.
One assumes this opening is supposed to engender the same kind of excitement –laced terror that the opening to Jaws did, but one would be completely wrong. Unless of course one defined “excitement-laced terror” as “a horrible, inescapable sinking feeling akin to being stuck in a submarine that is slowly descending to the cold, black murky depths of the deepest chasm in the Seven Seas …”
Elsewhere, on the fishing boat ‘Codfish,’ her captain is phoning the Coast Guard for a weather report. This is riveting stuff, isn’t it? As he gets off the radio, we see that he is a peg-leg – that’s right, he has a wooden leg. Brilliant.
And you thought I was joking...
Wait…it’s that harpsichord again. Something bad is about to happen. Long story short – the captain disappears as his second-in-command only manages to catch a glimpse of something disappearing below the depths.
Cut to two sexed up teens who are fishing close to shore elsewhere. The girl, who is not unlike Ricki Lake’s character in Hairspray (1988), tries to make out with the boy after he claims a slew of girls at school kiss better than her. I’m not making this up. During the tussle, his fishing rod falls into the water. The dude manages to pry the girl off and then reaches into the water only to have this pop up…
Ewwwwww! Eye-popping effects!
Fast forward to that evening as the dim-witted Sherrif Retards (Claude Akins) and his dim-witted band of deputies discuss the situation, making special note to not speak about it in front of the two witnesses – with the two witnesses less than two feet away, appearing comatose, shivering under police blankets. John Houston inexplicably shows up as Father Time, some old dude on the local reporting scene who has been looking into the dead baby elsewhere and asks to see the body. Retards obliges and the two remark how the corpse is “stripped to the bone.” Apparently, the corpse lost a lot of organic material between popping up (clearly not a skeleton – see image above) and their review of its current state…perhaps someone should check if there is a dog gnawing on an ear nearby. Neither of them have any theories, but Deputy Token Black surmises that the Captain could have been sucked into one of the intake valves of an underwater pipeline being constructed nearby. Retards discounts this theory out of hand as the dead baby wasn’t anywhere near that construction site. He then turns to Father Time and requests that his report state only the facts and not sensationalize the deaths. He doesn’t necessarily agree, but he delivers his first scene ending zinger, “What’s happened? What’s happening…if you want my opinion: we’re in for a nightmare!” And END SCENE.
Why don't you come up and see me sometime?
Then we meet Father Time’s sister, we’ll call her Dust Cougar. Played by Shelley Winters in what can only be described as casting against type, Dust Cougar is this movie’s Blanche Devereaux, a woman clearly too old to be poked with any frequency, let alone the feverish frequency that the script implies. She’s also an alcoholic for good measure, throwing back a Bloody Mary whilst still in her nightclothes. In a long, boring exposition scene, all we really learn is that Dust Cougar has a kid, Shlomo
Meanwhile, the Nefarious CEO of the Trojan Condom Company (which is building the pipeline) is pissed that he’s learned about the events going on at his company in the papers. Leisure Suit Lackey, Nefarious CEO’s right-hand, gives him the lowdown on Father Time and his insinuations. After tearing a strip off of him, Nefarious CEO bids Leisure Suit Lackey to leave. Before Lackey leaves however, Nefarious CEO delivers a great line, stating angrily, “What I don’t need is someone in my employ jeopardizing Trojan’s integrity!”
At the coroner’s office, Sheriff Retards is looking at some x-ray images with a lab-coated guy we are meant to assume is some sort of official medical practitioner. The “doctor” explains that all the cartilage has been removed from the Captain corpse, and even stranger, even the marrow has been sucked dry from the bones. Father Time magically appears and requests an answer as to what did this to the Captain’s body. The “doctor” confirms the baby was in the same condition, but offers no explanation as to what did it in either case. Retards informs Father Time that he knows of a diving crew that is investigating the pipeline construction site, led by Marine Biologist Denim Short Shorts. Father Time is intrigued and decides to go visit Denim Short Shorts to get more information.
Flex for me, boy!
Denim Short Shorts is training killer whales at a nearby facility. Father Time tries to convince Denim Short Shorts to help them out personally, but he’s reluctant because of a recent diving accident. Denim Short Shorts wife, Badly Dubbed Sue, shows up allowing him to leave the conversation. That last paragraph is 10x more compelling than what’s going on on screen.
At the dive site, two ill-fated no-names are stuck in a diving bell-like apparatus (really…? I mean, I know this was 1977 but this was the extent of underwater exploratory equipment at the time? I think Hammy Hamster was more state-of-the-art…). In the midst of their conversation about broads and Las Vegas, we’re treated to the shrill harpsichord again –uh oh! I think someone (or both of them) may die soon. We shall see!
"No, Terry - regulator IN the mouth....IN THE MOUTH!"
After investigating a strange underwater noise, they encounter the titular character, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE!! The gigan-topus shoots a massive black load into their faces (amaze-balls) and kills one of the divers off camera, but not before ROARING sinisterly. The other diver, after dropping his own load in the water, desperately tries to return to the diving bell (and not the surface, which I’m going to assume is a further distance away than the bell, although the descent to the bottom took all of 6 seconds). He manages to reach the bell, get inside and radio for help. The boat crew begins the winch and the bell starts to return to the surface. Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE has different ideas; grabbing the bell and crushing it along with the diver inside.
Peek-a-boo!
At the local marina, Father Time meets with Leisure Suit Lackey and the two trade barbs about recent events in Ocean Beach. Out on the street, Dust Cougar is registering Shlomo and his friend, Shoolie (both under 12) for the sailing race. The attendant informs them that the fee is $5 each (to which Dust Cougar balks – that’s at least three morning after pills worth of scratch) They have to be there 24 hours before the race starts and the race location is “50 miles down the coast.” Finally, the attendant warns Dust Cougar that the race is in the open sea. If this doesn’t make any sense to you, don’t worry – it doesn’t actually make any sense. It is one of the more obvious plot contrivances in the film. Not wanting to slow the plot down, the attendant hands Dust Cougar some t-shirts and shoos them away.
Is the hat too much?
Denim Short Shorts is checking into the local hotel with Badly Dubbed Sue while Father Time brainstorms with Sheriff Retards about the connections between the deceased. Together, they manage to come up with a theory – all the deaths involved the radio (the cab driver’s radio before the baby was nabbed, the call to the coast guard before the captain was killed and finally, the divers were in radio contact with their ship). Yes, this is what passes for good writing in this movie. We abruptly cut to Dust Cougar, who is bemoaning having to spend any money on Shlomo and Shoolie. She has purchased the walkie-talkies so they can remain in contact while in the sailing race. Are you keeping up…?
Back at the hotel, Denim Short Shorts and Badly Dubbed Sue share a badly dubbed romantic scene where they discuss her issues with his job and his indifference to her whinyness. Since two of his friends were killed in the dive, he’s got to steamroll over her female “emotions” until he can determine what actually happened.
“Don't worry, my darling in a few short years our careers will be taking off. I'll be on Dynasty and you'll have a major role in Hercules, starring Lou Ferrigno. Oh wait - nevermind..."
Later at the hotel pool, Badly Dubbed Sue is surrounded by her family: her father, sister and sister’s boyfriend. They try to convince her to come boating with them later, but she declines the invite, still worried about Denim Short Shorts and his diving. Even later, in an open-topped submersible, Denim Short Shorts and another diver are investigating the deaths of their diving companions. They don’t find much, aside from a barnacle-covered Vespa which some careless motorist drove directly into the middle of the sea, and a bunch of fish that appear to be tied to the bottom of the ocean at the tips of their noses.
I don't get it either...
Meanwhile, Badly Dubbed Sue’s family has managed to some how screw up their boating adventure and is radioing for help. The shite dubbing in this scene is off the charts – three non-English actors speaking broken English does not for compelling acting make. Anyway, the fat-ass father lolls himself into the water and begins swimming, but he is being watched from below. With disco music emphasizing the “drama,” Badly Dubbed Sue’s father is fooled not once, but twice by her sister’s boyfriend’s adolescent attempts to scare him (and the audience). We are shown some stock footage of a clearly miniscule octopus as Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE takes the father out.
Back at the boat, Badly Dubbed Sue’s sister is jarred from her sunbathing by the rocking boat. She gets up and notices a pair of very stiff legs poking out of the water. Strange. Before she can digest what is going on, the boat is torn to shreds by Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE and she falls to her death.
This is no time to be running through your synchro routine!
Denim Short Shorts, after returning to the surface with his companion, has surmised, rather implausibly that a giant octopus is responsible for the goings on recently. I find this leap of logic especially questionable considering the evidence presented thus far in the film, but then again, I’m not a complete boob.
Meanwhile, Nefarious CEO gets an angry call from Father Time who has been “chewed out” by his editor for raising the ire of Nefarious CEO. The report lays it out on the table and in it, Father Time states that he believes the Trojan Condom Company pipeline construction has something to do with the deaths. Nefarious CEO threatens a lawsuit and Father Time hands up the phone in defiance. DRAMA!
Back at the homestead, Dust Cougar is prepping Shlomo and Shoolie for the sailing race. We briefly meet Shoolie’s mother, another badly dubbed Italian actress, who thanks Dust Cougar for taking her annoying prick of a son off her hands, even if just for the afternoon. Since her afternoon trick cancelled, Dust Cougar is only too happy to oblige. She and the boys drive off.
Those extras were worth every cent. Hello?! Don't look at the camera, stupido!
Badly Dubbed Sue sets out on a staffed yacht to find her family. Elsewhere, Denim Short Shorts is walking with Sheriff Retards discussing it. They run into Father Time, who is convinced that the Trojan Condom Company’s pipeline construction is connected to the attacks. Father Time suggests they bring in Leisure Suit Lackey for questioning, but Denim Short Shorts is more concerned about finding his wife.
The yacht crew manage to locate the shredded boat, and one of them boards the derelict to investigate. They find nothing inside and eventually leave after marking the wreck for passing ships to avoid. Bad Dubbed Sue is devastated.
"I just know that if we were acting in the original Italian, I might have been able to muster up a genuine emotion for this scene..."
Her grief is short-lived as a huge, frothing, bubbling “something” approaches the boat rapidly. The ship is enveloped by a rushing torrent of water. The captain and his first mate are killed! The ship sinks! Badly Dubbed Sue is left alone, in the middle of the ocean, literally without a paddle. A flashing on the horizon catches her eye – its her family’s pleasure boat, still barely floating on the surface. She makes for it and manages to reach it. Just when she finally breaths a sigh of relief, however, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE shows up and kills her. Bada-BOOM!
This scene contains a whole array of horrible special effects. Let’s enjoy!
Horrible model work!
Horrible dummy work!
Horrible model work combined with a teensy octopus!
Horrible rear projection work!
...and finally: horrible use of stock footage!
Phew! I’m glad that’s over. We then cut to the most inexplicable scene in the picture. Badly Dubbed Sue has just been killed in the middle of the ocean, right? So we immediately cut to a large group of people that have gathered. Why have they gathered? We have no idea. And believe me, it makes even less sense in the movie. We pan slowly across the crowd with sad, slower-tempoed disco music playing and finally settle on Father Time and Denim Short Shorts at a picnic table. Father Time gets up, lights a smoke and walks off camera. Denim Short Shorts looks very upset about something. What is he upset about? I dunno. Its not like he would have known what happened to his wife, or would have received word of it. There is no dialogue, no explanation, nothing – just slow, sombre disco music. The scene is idiocy². Using empirical evidence however, I believe we are to assume that they have heard word about what happened and are understandably upset.
Back at Nefarious CEO’s ocean-side retreat, Leisure Suit Lackey is trying to talk his way out of another reprimand. It turns out that Leisure Suit Lackey ordered the Trojan Condom Company pipeline construction crew to disregard environmental regulations when they commenced testing and Nefarious CEO is none to happy about it. Commence character reversal – bee-boo-bop-boo-bee-boop: Leisure Suit CEO and Nefarious Lackey. Done.
Lamest. Parade. Ever.
We then are witness to the Solana Beach Junior Regatta Parade! It has to be the most busted looking bunch of crusted chicks twirling batons or just walking with their arms at a ninety-degree angle, which we all know is sign language for “Please shoot me in the effin’ head.” The editor was working overtime with this one – with only 10 “walking” girls and one baton twirler, he jump cuts so feverishly, you think someone is about to be murdered by a random assailant. Its bad movie-making at its best. There is an interminably long montage of stupid shots of sailboats and bratty kids. Faux-bouncy disco music plays throughout to emphasize the whimsy and carefree of the situation. The scene serves only to remind those who are still breathing in the viewing audience that Shlomo, Shoolie and Dust Cougar have arrived and are about to go sailing. She sticks ‘em in a boat and dramatically unties the slipknot holding them to the dock cleat. Great – lets move on so’s they can gets killeds already!!
Back at police station, Retards, Father Time and Denim Short Shorts are all sitting around again, discussing the gigan-topus again, and we are bored again. We learn some interesting facts about octopi in this scene though – for example, according to Father Time an octopus’ suckers are like tiger claws. Denim Short Shorts appears, rightly so, to discredit this fact but instead adds, “Compared to suckers […], tiger claws are nuthin…” What. The. F*ck.
In the "Who Appears More Bored Out of Their Skull" competition, the actors take this round...
This Fellowship of Bunglers is interrupted by Shoolie’s mother who arrives, without prior explanation, to see if Father Time wants to hit Solana Beach to watch the race. Realizing the imminent and unexciting danger, Father Time, Retards and Denim Short Shorts spring into action! Retards mobilized the coast guard. Father Time asks Denim Short Shorts if he thinks he can kill Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE. He looks at Father Time, turns and leaves. Is that a yes? At this point in the film it should really be a yes, or we need to come up with another plan, dude.
As we see 30 or so sail boats running merrily along, a coast guard helicopter and a boat begin to head towards Solana Beach. Somewhere in the depths, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE lurks, ready for his next victim.
Tiger Claws™
Dust Cougar, amidst a group of children listening to what sounds like a very bad stand-up comedian, is talking into her walkie-talkie. This is strangely intercut with shots of Shlomo and Shoolie sailing (as in, not talking on their walkie-talkies) so I’m not sure who she’s talking to. She’s probably setting up her next booty call.
What follows next defies explanation, much like a lot of this movie. The director decides that instead of showing moving shots (this is a movie, after all…a moving picture, no?) he’s going to use still shots. I think in some insane way, he thought this would heighten the tension, or at least make his film look stylish. They are indeed bold choices. They are all kinds of wrong choices, but bold nonetheless. For example, a shot of the kids sailing will cut to a still image of Dust Cougar on the walkie-talkie and then it will cut to a still image of the sailboats. That still image will then suddenly begin moving when the disco music’s beat kicks in. It makes so sense.
Anyway, back to the “plot”: the Coast Guard helicopter arrives and tries to warn the junior sailors off with a small chalkboard with the words “DANGER GO BACK” scrawled on it. I sh*t you not – see the image below:
I wonder how many technological benchmarks land between “Mega-phone” and “impossibly small chalkboard.”
Then some random dude fires off a shotgun and we see another crew waving the kids in. Wow – top notch rescue work here, folks. Dust Cougar senses something is going on and leaves the stand-up show. She then proceeds to wail for Shlomo through her walkie-talkie. Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE is already stalking the junior regatta for lunch. The gigan-topus has a field day with the inept kids and their lack of sailing skill – I say that only because the effect of the kids being eaten is achieved by showing them repeatedly falling out of their boats for no discernible reason and cutting back to the same shot of what appears to be a lump of dog excrement being dragged through the water (click for photo evidence). For dramatic effect, the Shlomo and Shoolie aren’t eaten until last, leaving a distraught Dust Cougar on the dock. We see a very wide angle shot of the path of destruction: small sailing boats capsized everywhere and not a single survivor.
Sheriff Retards shows up just in time to be of no use to anyone, along with Father Time and Shoolie’s mother. Two ships pull into port with all the surviving kids – yes, from the passenger compliments of both ships, I would estimate that they rescued a conservative 3 times the number of children who actually took part in the sailing regatta – its the new math! Sadly, among this surfeit of brats is Shlomo but no Shoolie. His mother is beside herself, but Dust Cougar takes comfort in the fact that its one less mouth to feed. Speaking of – I certainly hope she got the five dollars for his regatta registration BEFORE the little punk became octo-pooh.
Grimace looks PISSED!
A larger sailing ship rounds a corner elsewhere in Ocean Beach. Dramatic, military-esque drumming tells us immediately that Denim Short Shorts is not the man with whom to screw right now. Using fancy shmancy oceanographic equipment, he and his assistant spend the evenings mutually masturbating listening to killer whales over a small ham radio. The scene provides another interesting fact about our tiger clawed gigan-topus – they have “foresight.” What this means I do not know, but the characters use it as an excuse for some anxious acting. The scene is an attempt to recreate the below decks scene between Quint, Hooper and Chief Brody in JAWS (1975) but fails on almost every level, not the least of which is the audience doesn’t give a crap for these two boobs or anything they’re doing.
In any event, Denim Short Shorts has his killer whales from the Oceanographic Institute trapped in a big yellow tube (a tube which frankly looks FAR too small for the whales to stand up in, let alone turn themselves around). Anyway, the two share a quasi-romantic scene as Denim Short Shorts asks the Orcas (cameo!) for help while a montage of their past together plays out on screen. Its sickening (and not sick’ning in a good way, either). The acting is cringe-worthy and the imagery that accompanies it is equally vomit inducing. The dialogue, like most of the movie, is laughably bad and delivered in an unflinching monotone.
“I guess you know now…why I brought you here. I wanted to tell you…more about it…but…there have been many people that died. I lost a loved one. I need your help…more now than ever. I remember the times…when I was training you…people used to call you “killers.” They used to call me that on the streets. Doesn’t mean nothing. You have more…more love…in your heart…more affection than any human being I ever met…but now I…I can’t ask anybody else so I’m asking you to help me kill this octopus. I hope you understand that. I know I’m in your environment…I don’t want it this way…but if I release you…and you go away…I want you to know that I’ll understand. Alright…enough said. I’ve got to go now. If you feel anything, you talk to me…you make some noises…I know people think we’re crazy…maybe we are…maybe we are…” Fo’ realz.
In the depths below, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE waits. Denim Short Shorts drinks coffee on deck, while his assistant checks out their compliment of nasty looking weapons, typical of a couple of oceanographic researchers. All the while, the harpsichord plays. Just then, something tips the boat and Denim Short Shorts and his assistant go flying.
"It's weird now - isn't it..." "Yeah, kind of."
The two of them rush up on deck and see the whale carrier is smashed and sinking. Just when all hope was lost that the movie was over, the whales shows up. Yippee! But wait – the whales immediately high-tail it out to the open ocean, as you would expect for creatures that live a life of unending servitude at the hands of man. Looks like its on to Plan B. Denim Short Shorts and his assistant suit up and dive in, intending to kick the ever lovin’ sh*t out of Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE. Good idea.
Right as what should be the climax of the movie begins, we’re treated to loads of slow-paced and uninteresting underwriter shots as the two of them search for the gigan-topus. They find a barking fish and continue swimming. Then they find a manta ray and continue swimming. Then they find a cave and go into it. Then they leave it. Then they go in another cave. Exciting, no?! Out of nowhere, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE goes back to his old trick of shooting a black load into the face of Denim Short Shorts, who sinks into an opening in the coral. Outside the cave, his assistant is crushed by falling coral (which really kind of angered me because its real coral and they obviously destroyed it for the sake of this movie…on the lighter side, baseball-sized chunks of the stuff are foleyed to death, sounding more like the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs striking the Earth’s crust layered several times over). The assistant tries to get Denim Short Shorts but the opening is covered by the beast.
Suddenly, the two killer whales, Sindy and Sandy, show up to make trouble. Using what I can only assume are their super powers, they turn themselves into hand puppets and begin chomping on Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE, who has been replaced by a dead octopus bought from the local Price Chopper. The whales proceed to absolutely decimate Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE. They themselves creatures oppressed by man ironically denying freedom and liberty to a creature who was only enraged by the encroachment of man into its territory. Interesting message.
Nom, nom, nom
The two humans manage to escape while the two killer whales make mincemeat out of the poor gigan-topus. Tentacle pieces float like dead balloons after a child’s birthday party as the carcass slowly sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Denim Short Shorts and his assistant make their way back to the mainland and discuss their plans for the future. They decide to head to Africa to go on safari. Just then Sindy and Sandy show up to squeal at them. They try to encourage the whales to follow them, which they seem to do. THE END.
I suppose this ending is cutesy enough, but it begs the question…WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EVERYONE ELSE?! We never have any closure to the pipeline storyline, we never see Leisure Suit CEO or Nefarious Lackey again, nor do we see Sheriff Retards or Father Time. Characters that were completely invested in the events that have just taken place aren’t even involved. Its the kind of inept script writing that makes watching and writing these reviews so much fun.
Until next time…!
