Horrid special effects, even worse performances, and

…a giant, blood-lusty cephalopod!!  I give you…

…TEN-TALK-A-LEEEEEEEEEEZE!

This review is brought to you by…

"When regular rice just isn't enough for your ungrateful family..."

In keeping with the Maritime Mayhem theme, I give you Tentacles (1977), or as it was originally titled: Tentacoli (that’s Italian for…TENTACLES).  Clever, huh?  As you’re reading this review, you will likely notice some parallels to this film and JAWS (1975) which has been shamelessly ripped off serves as the inspiration for Tentacles.  Anyway on with the “fun!”

Cool font, no?!

We begin in the town of Ocean Beach, so named because its economy is largely dependent on the beach and the fact that it has a lot of oceanfront property (to say nothing of the completely boobery of the writers).  The real estate market, as we are about to find out, isn’t going to remain as robust as previously thought.  From the inside of a cab, we are given the POV of an unknown passenger as we hear chit-chatting on the taxicab radio.  During this montage of cheap postcard shots, we are shown a billboard for a yacht race taking place at Solana Beach.  Got it?  Good.  The camera pans to a woman and her baby on a grassy knoll.  An incongruous and shrill harpsichord progression indicates that something bad is about to happen…or that we should turn the page.  Its up to you.

Wait – what’s this?  We are treated to another POV shot (prepare thyself – there are a LOT in this film) of something (what could it be…??) popping up out of the water near the mother and baby.  As the woman blubbers to her uninterested child, it becomes clear that she wasn’t even speaking English at the time of filming and her Anglo-centric baby talk was dubbed in (badly) afterwards.  This happens a lot in this film as it was an Italian film – directed by an Italian with an Italian crew and a supporting cast consisting almost exclusively of Italian actors – that had a few big American acting names attached, presumably to secure production money, but I digress…

My jaunty head wrap and oversize bead necklace belie a quivering emotional wreck underneath...

While the Mother of the Year™ is annoying her child, a truck pulls to a stop behind them.  The driver shouts at the Mother of the Year™.  She obligingly abandons her child, trotting over to have a nice, long, distracting conflab with the driver of the truck as her child is horribly gored by a sea beast.  The most idiotic thing about this scene is not the mother’s complete disregard for the welfare of her baby, but the nonplussed reaction she has to seeing her baby’s stroller, mangled almost beyond recognition, floating thirty feet from shore.  It’s the feigned concern of a housewife coming across a dead squirrel in the street.

One assumes this opening is supposed to engender the same kind of excitement –laced terror that the opening to Jaws did, but one would be completely wrong.  Unless of course one defined “excitement-laced terror” as “a horrible, inescapable sinking feeling akin to being stuck in a submarine that is slowly descending to the cold, black murky depths of the deepest chasm in the Seven Seas …”

Elsewhere, on the fishing boat ‘Codfish,’ her captain is phoning the Coast Guard for a weather report.  This is riveting stuff, isn’t it?  As he gets off the radio, we see that he is a peg-leg – that’s right, he has a wooden leg.  Brilliant.

And you thought I was joking...

Wait…it’s that harpsichord again.  Something bad is about to happen.  Long story short – the captain disappears as his second-in-command only manages to catch a glimpse of something disappearing below the depths.

Cut to two sexed up teens who are fishing close to shore elsewhere.  The girl, who is not unlike Ricki Lake’s character in Hairspray (1988), tries to make out with the boy after he claims a slew of girls at school kiss better than her.  I’m not making this up.  During the tussle, his fishing rod falls into the water.  The dude manages to pry the girl off and then reaches into the water only to have this pop up…

Ewwwwww! Eye-popping effects!

Fast forward to that evening as the dim-witted Sherrif Retards (Claude Akins) and his dim-witted band of deputies discuss the situation, making special note to not speak about it in front of the two witnesses – with the two witnesses less than two feet away, appearing comatose, shivering under police blankets.  John Houston inexplicably shows up as Father Time, some old dude on the local reporting scene who has been looking into the dead baby elsewhere and asks to see the body.  Retards obliges and the two remark how the corpse is “stripped to the bone.”  Apparently, the corpse lost a lot of organic material between popping up (clearly not a skeleton – see image above) and their review of its current state…perhaps someone should check if there is a dog gnawing on an ear nearby.  Neither of them have any theories, but Deputy Token Black surmises that the Captain could have been sucked into one of the intake valves of an underwater pipeline being constructed nearby.  Retards discounts this theory out of hand as the dead baby wasn’t anywhere near that construction site.  He then turns to Father Time and requests that his report state only the facts and not sensationalize the deaths.  He doesn’t necessarily agree, but he delivers his first scene ending zinger, “What’s happened?  What’s happening…if you want my opinion: we’re in for a nightmare!” And END SCENE.

Why don't you come up and see me sometime?

Then we meet Father Time’s sister, we’ll call her Dust Cougar.  Played by Shelley Winters in what can only be described as casting against type, Dust Cougar is this movie’s Blanche Devereaux, a woman clearly too old to be poked with any frequency, let alone the feverish frequency that the script implies.  She’s also an alcoholic for good measure, throwing back a Bloody Mary whilst still in her nightclothes.  In a long, boring exposition scene, all we really learn is that Dust Cougar has a kid, Shlomo

Meanwhile, the Nefarious CEO of the Trojan Condom Company (which is building the pipeline) is pissed that he’s learned about the events going on at his company in the papers.  Leisure Suit Lackey, Nefarious CEO’s right-hand, gives him the lowdown on Father Time and his insinuations.  After tearing a strip off of him, Nefarious CEO bids Leisure Suit Lackey to leave.  Before Lackey leaves however, Nefarious CEO delivers a great line, stating angrily, “What I don’t need is someone in my employ jeopardizing Trojan’s integrity!”

At the coroner’s office, Sheriff Retards is looking at some x-ray images with a lab-coated guy we are meant to assume is some sort of official medical practitioner.  The “doctor” explains that all the cartilage has been removed from the Captain corpse, and even stranger, even the marrow has been sucked dry from the bones.  Father Time magically appears and requests an answer as to what did this to the Captain’s body.  The “doctor” confirms the baby was in the same condition, but offers no explanation as to what did it in either case.  Retards informs Father Time that he knows of a diving crew that is investigating the pipeline construction site, led by Marine Biologist Denim Short Shorts.  Father Time is intrigued and decides to go visit Denim Short Shorts to get more information.

Flex for me, boy!

Denim Short Shorts is training killer whales at a nearby facility.  Father Time tries to convince Denim Short Shorts to help them out personally, but he’s reluctant because of a recent diving accident.  Denim Short Shorts wife, Badly Dubbed Sue, shows up allowing him to leave the conversation.  That last paragraph is 10x more compelling than what’s going on on screen.

At the dive site, two ill-fated no-names are stuck in a diving bell-like apparatus (really…?  I mean, I know this was 1977 but this was the extent of underwater exploratory equipment at the time?  I think Hammy Hamster was more state-of-the-art…).  In the midst of their conversation about broads and Las Vegas, we’re treated to the shrill harpsichord again –uh oh! I think someone (or both of them) may die soon.  We shall see!

"No, Terry - regulator IN the mouth....IN THE MOUTH!"

After investigating a strange underwater noise, they encounter the titular character, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE!!  The gigan-topus shoots a massive black load into their faces (amaze-balls) and kills one of the divers off camera, but not before ROARING sinisterly.  The other diver, after dropping his own load in the water, desperately tries to return to the diving bell (and not the surface, which I’m going to assume is a further distance away than the bell, although the descent to the bottom took all of 6 seconds).  He manages to reach the bell, get inside and radio for help.  The boat crew begins the winch and the bell starts to return to the surface.  Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE has different ideas; grabbing the bell and crushing it along with the diver inside.

Peek-a-boo!

At the local marina, Father Time meets with Leisure Suit Lackey and the two trade barbs about recent events in Ocean Beach.  Out on the street, Dust Cougar is registering Shlomo and his friend, Shoolie (both under 12) for the sailing race.  The attendant informs them that the fee is $5 each (to which Dust Cougar balks – that’s at least three morning after pills worth of scratch)  They have to be there 24 hours before the race starts and the race location is “50 miles down the coast.”  Finally, the attendant warns Dust Cougar that the race is in the open sea.  If this doesn’t make any sense to you, don’t worry – it doesn’t actually make any sense.  It is one of the more obvious plot contrivances in the film.  Not wanting to slow the plot down, the attendant hands Dust Cougar some t-shirts and shoos them away.

Is the hat too much?

Denim Short Shorts is checking into the local hotel with Badly Dubbed Sue while Father Time brainstorms with Sheriff Retards about the connections between the deceased.  Together, they manage to come up with a theory – all the deaths involved the radio (the cab driver’s radio before the baby was nabbed, the call to the coast guard before the captain was killed and finally, the divers were in radio contact with their ship).  Yes, this is what passes for good writing in this movie.  We abruptly cut to Dust Cougar, who is bemoaning having to spend any money on Shlomo and Shoolie.  She has purchased the walkie-talkies so they can remain in contact while in the sailing race.  Are you keeping up…?

Back at the hotel, Denim Short Shorts and Badly Dubbed Sue share a badly dubbed romantic scene where they discuss her issues with his job and his indifference to her whinyness.  Since two of his friends were killed in the dive, he’s got to steamroll over her female “emotions” until he can determine what actually happened.

“Don't worry, my darling in a few short years our careers will be taking off. I'll be on Dynasty and you'll have a major role in Hercules, starring Lou Ferrigno. Oh wait - nevermind..."

Later at the hotel pool, Badly Dubbed Sue is surrounded by her family: her father, sister and sister’s boyfriend.  They try to convince her to come boating with them later, but she declines the invite, still worried about Denim Short Shorts and his diving.  Even later, in an open-topped submersible, Denim Short Shorts and another diver are investigating the deaths of their diving companions.  They don’t find much, aside from a barnacle-covered Vespa which some careless motorist drove directly into the middle of the sea, and a bunch of fish that appear to be tied to the bottom of the ocean at the tips of their noses.

I don't get it either...

Meanwhile, Badly Dubbed Sue’s family has managed to some how screw up their boating adventure and is radioing for help.  The shite dubbing in this scene is off the charts – three non-English actors speaking broken English does not for compelling acting make.  Anyway, the fat-ass father lolls himself into the water and begins swimming, but he is being watched from below.  With disco music emphasizing the “drama,” Badly Dubbed Sue’s father is fooled not once, but twice by her sister’s boyfriend’s adolescent attempts to scare him (and the audience).  We are shown some stock footage of a clearly miniscule octopus as Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE takes the father out.

Back at the boat, Badly Dubbed Sue’s sister is jarred from her sunbathing by the rocking boat.  She gets up and notices a pair of very stiff legs poking out of the water.  Strange.  Before she can digest what is going on, the boat is torn to shreds by Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE and she falls to her death.

This is no time to be running through your synchro routine!

Denim Short Shorts, after returning to the surface with his companion, has surmised, rather implausibly that a giant octopus is responsible for the goings on recently.  I find this leap of logic especially questionable considering the evidence presented thus far in the film, but then again, I’m not a complete boob.

Meanwhile, Nefarious CEO gets an angry call from Father Time who has been “chewed out” by his editor for raising the ire of Nefarious CEO.  The report lays it out on the table and in it, Father Time states that he believes the Trojan Condom Company pipeline construction has something to do with the deaths.  Nefarious CEO threatens a lawsuit and Father Time hands up the phone in defiance.  DRAMA!

Back at the homestead, Dust Cougar is prepping Shlomo and Shoolie for the sailing race.  We briefly meet Shoolie’s mother, another badly dubbed Italian actress, who thanks Dust Cougar for taking her annoying prick of a son off her hands, even if just for the afternoon.  Since her afternoon trick cancelled, Dust Cougar is only too happy to oblige.  She and the boys drive off.

Those extras were worth every cent. Hello?! Don't look at the camera, stupido!

Badly Dubbed Sue sets out on a staffed yacht to find her family.  Elsewhere, Denim Short Shorts is walking with Sheriff Retards discussing it.  They run into Father Time, who is convinced that the Trojan Condom Company’s pipeline construction is connected to the attacks.  Father Time suggests they bring in Leisure Suit Lackey for questioning, but Denim Short Shorts is more concerned about finding his wife.

The yacht crew manage to locate the shredded boat, and one of them boards the derelict to investigate.  They find nothing inside and eventually leave after marking the wreck for passing ships to avoid. Bad Dubbed Sue is devastated.

"I just know that if we were acting in the original Italian, I might have been able to muster up a genuine emotion for this scene..."

Her grief is short-lived as a huge, frothing, bubbling “something” approaches the boat rapidly.  The ship is enveloped by a rushing torrent of water.  The captain and his first mate are killed!  The ship sinks!  Badly Dubbed Sue is left alone, in the middle of the ocean, literally without a paddle.  A flashing on the horizon catches her eye – its her family’s pleasure boat, still barely floating on the surface.  She makes for it and manages to reach it.  Just when she finally breaths a sigh of relief, however, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE shows up and kills her.  Bada-BOOM!

This scene contains a whole array of horrible special effects.  Let’s enjoy!

Horrible model work!

Horrible dummy work!

Horrible model work combined with a teensy octopus!

Horrible rear projection work!

...and finally: horrible use of stock footage!

Phew!  I’m glad that’s over.  We then cut to the most inexplicable scene in the picture. Badly Dubbed Sue has just been killed in the middle of the ocean, right?  So we immediately cut to a large group of people that have gathered.  Why have they gathered?  We have no idea.  And believe me, it makes even less sense in the movie.  We pan slowly across the crowd with sad, slower-tempoed disco music playing and finally settle on Father Time and Denim Short Shorts at a picnic table.  Father Time gets up, lights a smoke and walks off camera.  Denim Short Shorts looks very upset about something.  What is he upset about?  I dunno.  Its not like he would have known what happened to his wife, or would have received word of it.  There is no dialogue, no explanation, nothing – just slow, sombre disco music.  The scene is idiocy².  Using empirical evidence however, I believe we are to assume that they have heard word about what happened and are understandably upset.

Back at Nefarious CEO’s ocean-side retreat, Leisure Suit Lackey is trying to talk his way out of another reprimand.  It turns out that Leisure Suit Lackey ordered the Trojan Condom Company pipeline construction crew to disregard environmental regulations when they commenced testing and Nefarious CEO is none to happy about it.  Commence character reversal – bee-boo-bop-boo-bee-boop: Leisure Suit CEO and Nefarious Lackey.  Done.

Lamest. Parade. Ever.

We then are witness to the Solana Beach Junior Regatta Parade!  It has to be the most busted looking bunch of crusted chicks twirling batons or just walking with their arms at a ninety-degree angle, which we all know is sign language for “Please shoot me in the effin’ head.”  The editor was working overtime with this one – with only 10 “walking” girls and one baton twirler, he jump cuts so feverishly, you think someone is about to be murdered by a random assailant.  Its bad movie-making at its best.  There is an interminably long montage of stupid shots of sailboats and bratty kids.  Faux-bouncy disco music plays throughout to emphasize the whimsy and carefree of the situation.  The scene serves only to remind those who are still breathing in the viewing audience that Shlomo, Shoolie and Dust Cougar have arrived and are about to go sailing.  She sticks ‘em in a boat and dramatically unties the slipknot holding them to the dock cleat.  Great – lets move on so’s they can gets killeds already!!

Back at police station, Retards, Father Time and Denim Short Shorts are all sitting around again, discussing the gigan-topus again, and we are bored again.  We learn some interesting facts about octopi in this scene though – for example, according to Father Time an octopus’ suckers are like tiger claws.  Denim Short Shorts appears, rightly so, to discredit this fact but instead adds, “Compared to suckers […], tiger claws are nuthin…”  What. The. F*ck.

In the "Who Appears More Bored Out of Their Skull" competition, the actors take this round...

This Fellowship of Bunglers is interrupted by Shoolie’s mother who arrives, without prior explanation, to see if Father Time wants to hit Solana Beach to watch the race.  Realizing the imminent and unexciting danger, Father Time, Retards and Denim Short Shorts spring into action!  Retards mobilized the coast guard.  Father Time asks Denim Short Shorts if he thinks he can kill Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE.  He looks at Father Time, turns and leaves.  Is that a yes?  At this point in the film it should really be a yes, or we need to come up with another plan, dude.

As we see 30 or so sail boats running merrily along, a coast guard helicopter and a boat begin to head towards Solana Beach.  Somewhere in the depths, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE lurks, ready for his next victim.

Tiger Claws™

Dust Cougar, amidst a group of children listening to what sounds like a very bad stand-up comedian, is talking into her walkie-talkie.  This is strangely intercut with shots of Shlomo and Shoolie sailing (as in, not talking on their walkie-talkies) so I’m not sure who she’s talking to.  She’s probably setting up her next booty call.

What follows next defies explanation, much like a lot of this movie.  The director decides that instead of showing moving shots (this is a movie, after all…a moving picture, no?) he’s going to use still shots.  I think in some insane way, he thought this would heighten the tension, or at least make his film look stylish.  They are indeed bold choices.  They are all kinds of wrong choices, but bold nonetheless.  For example, a shot of the kids sailing will cut to a still image of Dust Cougar on the walkie-talkie and then it will cut to a still image of the sailboats.  That still image will then suddenly begin moving when the disco music’s beat kicks in.  It makes so sense.

Anyway, back to the “plot”: the Coast Guard helicopter arrives and tries to warn the junior sailors off with a small chalkboard with the words “DANGER GO BACK” scrawled on it.  I sh*t you not – see the image below:

I wonder how many technological benchmarks land between “Mega-phone” and “impossibly small chalkboard.”

Then some random dude fires off a shotgun and we see another crew waving the kids in.  Wow – top notch rescue work here, folks.  Dust Cougar senses something is going on and leaves the stand-up show.  She then proceeds to wail for Shlomo through her walkie-talkie.  Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE is already stalking the junior regatta for lunch.  The gigan-topus has a field day with the inept kids and their lack of sailing skill – I say that only because the effect of the kids being eaten is achieved by showing them repeatedly falling out of their boats for no discernible reason and cutting back to the same shot of what appears to be a lump of dog excrement being dragged through the water (click for photo evidence).  For dramatic effect, the Shlomo and Shoolie aren’t eaten until last, leaving a distraught Dust Cougar on the dock.  We see a very wide angle shot of the path of destruction: small sailing boats capsized everywhere and not a single survivor.

Sheriff Retards shows up just in time to be of no use to anyone, along with Father Time and Shoolie’s mother.  Two ships pull into port with all the surviving kids – yes, from the passenger compliments of both ships, I would estimate that they rescued a conservative 3 times the number of children who actually took part in the sailing regatta – its the new math!  Sadly, among this surfeit of brats is Shlomo but no Shoolie.  His mother is beside herself, but Dust Cougar takes comfort in the fact that its one less mouth to feed.  Speaking of – I certainly hope she got the five dollars for his regatta registration BEFORE the little punk became octo-pooh.

Grimace looks PISSED!

A larger sailing ship rounds a corner elsewhere in Ocean Beach.  Dramatic, military-esque drumming tells us immediately that Denim Short Shorts is not the man with whom to screw right now.  Using fancy shmancy oceanographic equipment, he and his assistant spend the evenings mutually masturbating listening to killer whales over a small ham radio.  The scene provides another interesting fact about our tiger clawed gigan-topus – they have “foresight.”  What this means I do not know, but the characters use it as an excuse for some anxious acting.  The scene is an attempt to recreate the below decks scene between Quint, Hooper and Chief Brody in JAWS (1975) but fails on almost every level, not the least of which is the audience doesn’t give a crap for these two boobs or anything they’re doing.

In any event, Denim Short Shorts has his killer whales from the Oceanographic Institute trapped in a big yellow tube (a tube which frankly looks FAR too small for the whales to stand up in, let alone turn themselves around).  Anyway, the two share a quasi-romantic scene as Denim Short Shorts asks the Orcas (cameo!) for help while a montage of their past together plays out on screen.  Its sickening (and not sick’ning in a good way, either).  The acting is cringe-worthy and the imagery that accompanies it is equally vomit inducing.  The dialogue, like most of the movie, is laughably bad and delivered in an unflinching monotone.

“I guess you know now…why I brought you here.  I wanted to tell you…more about it…but…there have been many people that died.  I lost a loved one.  I need your help…more now than ever.  I remember the times…when I was training you…people used to call you “killers.”  They used to call me that on the streets.  Doesn’t mean nothing.  You have more…more love…in your heart…more affection than any human being I ever met…but now I…I can’t ask anybody else so I’m asking you to help me kill this octopus.  I hope you understand that.  I know I’m in your environment…I don’t want it this way…but if I release you…and you go away…I want you to know that I’ll understand.  Alright…enough said.  I’ve got to go now.  If you feel anything, you talk to me…you make some noises…I know people think we’re crazy…maybe we are…maybe we are…”  Fo’ realz.

In the depths below, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE waits.  Denim Short Shorts drinks coffee on deck, while his assistant checks out their compliment of nasty looking weapons, typical of a couple of oceanographic researchers.  All the while, the harpsichord plays.  Just then, something tips the boat and Denim Short Shorts and his assistant go flying.

"It's weird now - isn't it..." "Yeah, kind of."

The two of them rush up on deck and see the whale carrier is smashed and sinking.  Just when all hope was lost that the movie was over, the whales shows up.  Yippee!  But wait – the whales immediately high-tail it out to the open ocean, as you would expect for creatures that live a life of unending servitude at the hands of man.  Looks like its on to Plan B.  Denim Short Shorts and his assistant suit up and dive in, intending to kick the ever lovin’ sh*t out of Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE. Good idea.

Right as what should be the climax of the movie begins, we’re treated to loads of slow-paced and uninteresting underwriter shots as the two of them search for the gigan-topus.  They find a barking fish and continue swimming.  Then they find a manta ray and continue swimming.  Then they find a cave and go into it.  Then they leave it.  Then they go in another cave.  Exciting, no?!  Out of nowhere, Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE goes back to his old trick of shooting a black load into the face of Denim Short Shorts, who sinks into an opening in the coral.  Outside the cave, his assistant is crushed by falling coral (which really kind of angered me because its real coral and they obviously destroyed it for the sake of this movie…on the lighter side, baseball-sized chunks of the stuff are foleyed to death, sounding more like the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs striking the Earth’s crust layered several times over).  The assistant tries to get Denim Short Shorts but the opening is covered by the beast.

Suddenly, the two killer whales, Sindy and Sandy, show up to make trouble.  Using what I can only assume are their super powers, they turn themselves into hand puppets and begin chomping on Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE, who has been replaced by a dead octopus bought from the local Price Chopper.  The whales proceed to absolutely decimate Ten-Talk-a-LEEZE.  They themselves creatures oppressed by man ironically denying freedom and liberty to a creature who was only enraged by the encroachment of man into its territory.   Interesting message.

Nom, nom, nom

The two humans manage to escape while the two killer whales make mincemeat out of the poor gigan-topus.  Tentacle pieces float like dead balloons after a child’s birthday party as the carcass slowly sinks to the bottom of the ocean.  Denim Short Shorts and his assistant make their way back to the mainland and discuss their plans for the future.  They decide to head to Africa to go on safari.  Just then Sindy and Sandy show up to squeal at them.  They try to encourage the whales to follow them, which they seem to do.  THE END.

I suppose this ending is cutesy enough, but it begs the question…WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EVERYONE ELSE?!  We never have any closure to the pipeline storyline, we never see Leisure Suit CEO or Nefarious Lackey again, nor do we see Sheriff Retards or Father Time.  Characters that were completely invested in the events that have just taken place aren’t even involved.  Its the kind of inept script writing that makes watching and writing these reviews so much fun.

Until next time…!

Thankfully, the “filmmakers” got together on the same trip to Zimbabwe and filmed a second, even more mind-numbing film. Like the two halves of He-Man’s Power Sword™, the two films come together to unleash a dizzying array of shit-stained, vomit-caked, movie pooh on the world (that’s right – the pooh is shit-stained…and vomit-caked).

The Plot (?) in 150 Words or Less

Our “heroes” from the previous installment, King Solomon’s Mines, have settled down to a quiet life in a nondescript Colonial African town. After receiving a message from a barely alive (and then dead) vagrant who comes stumbling out of the jungle pursued by two mysterious assailants, Allan Quatermain must endure his punishment lover, Jesse Houston’s, ineptitude and penchant for idiocy on another rollicking adventure through deepest, darkest (and heavily stereotyped Africa). In pursuit of his long lost and long thought dead brother, Quatermain and Houston join forces with James Earl Jones (!) and (frequent post-Richard Dawson Match Gamer) Robert Donner. They clash with Elvira, Mistress of the Dark and Dick Tracy’s Influence in a city of gold-like splendour full of Caucasians, staffed by Africans…hmmm…

The Cast in 150 Words or Less

Not much has changed here from the first film; Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone belly flop their way through another pool in dire need of severe floating pooh-log removal. Stone is especially miscast and lolls around the film, chewing up the scenery with her buffoonery and appearing to actually laugh through her own dialogue delivery in a couple scenes. Chamberlain at least makes an effort to elevate the bargain basement material (failing at almost every turn, but the effort is laudable).

Robert Donner as the over-the-top racial stereotype, Swarma, an Indian conman who is permanently in the prayer position and constantly spouting dialogue that comes out all “goodness, gracious, me!” All in brown-face, no less.

The rest of the cast is forgettable, except perhaps for Martin Rabbett, who plays Quatermain’s estranged brother, if only for the fact that Charmberlain and Rabbett have been partners since the making the film in 1987.

The Gist in 100 Words (exactly)

Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is at once a horrible movie and also a horrible movie experience – you watch it, especially after finding the first film so amusing and realize that a bad film can be unendurable.
This movie is “anti-film” – it has so few redeeming qualities that it is difficult to recommend on any level. Not as charming or as fun as the first film, but it never tries. On a positive note: the late Jerry Goldsmith’s score is amazing, just as it was in the first film (no new music was written for the sequel).

Till next time!

One would be wrong.  Oh so very wrong.

Please click to embiggen and revel in the pure shittiness of this poster.

"I've got a bad feeling about this..." - Luke Skywalker, Star Wars (1977)

Way back in 1981, a little movie came out called Raiders of the Lost Ark. The movie was a supremely bad-ass, far-flung adventure that harkened back to the Saturday Matinee serials of old and captured the spirit of those shorts perfectly (while at the same time, updating them for a modern, 70s/80s audience).  Raiders, although popular and financially successful, managed to somehow avoid the plethora of cheap-ass knock-offs that invariably follow any popular, money-making film.  There were a few fool-hearty imitators, however.

The most notable, and likely worst, of the lot would be Cannon Films 1985 offering, King Solomon’s Mines. Filmed in 1984 and 1985 in Zimbabwe, it was likely green-lit in an effort to cash in on Raider‘s prequel, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, which was just released in 1984.  This unbelievably horrendous film stars Richard Chamberlain as intrepid adventurer Allan Quatermain,  Sharon Stone as the equally inept adventurer Jesse Houston, Herbet Lom as Colonel Klink Bockner, and John Rhys-Davies (who himself appeared in Raiders) as the slave trader, Dogati.  Because King Solomon’s Mines was based (very) loosely on the classic novel by H. Rider Haggard, The Cannon Group, Inc. probably thought they had a sure-fire hit on their hands…

…tsk, tsk, tsk.  Silly Cannon Group CEOs.  Trix are for your wives – because while you’re off to Zimbabwe to “produce” this shiteous “film,” they’ll need to be pulling tricks to keep your households afloat.  But I digress.

Let’s delve into the world of King Solomon’s Mines, shall we…and remember – when you see the horrible African native stereotype, it’s time to turn the page.

After the ominous The Cannon Group, Inc. logo, we open on a darkened room in some antique shop.  Three people, a young guy, an old guy, and a whiny dude in a fez who owns the antique shop, are slouched over a desk looking at some hand-held artifact shaped like a woman.  Turns out the old dude is an archeologist/historian, the young dude is his assistant and the fez dude wants the markings on the artifact translated.  Too giddy to contain himself, the young dude blurts out, “Is it the map to…?” Just as the old dude is about to explain all things womanly, Dugati (John Rhys-Davies) enters, looking decidedly evil dressed all in red and wearing an even bigger fez, demanding that the translation commence at once!  The young dude gets all uppity and heads for the door.  Dugati pulls out a mean looking knife and slices some rope that releases a huge meat tenderizer from the ceiling that swings down and impales the young dude several times while gruesomely punches through the door behind him.

A true Red Shirt Demise^©

“My door!” the whiny fez dude exclaims, obviously upset that his door was destroyed and clearly not bothered that somehow this elaborate Rube-Goldberg-contraption for door-side death had been set up in his shop without his knowledge.  Hmmm…

"Eeeeeeek!" Tiffany Case, Diamonds Are Forever, 1971

As the credits roll and we pan over jungle backgrounds, Allan Quatermain (Richard Chamberlain) and Jessie Houston (Sharon Stone, in the career killing role of a lifetime) appear from the brush with their native guides in tow.  Stone’s character is established as a complete ass-hat almost immediately and runs through the film like a vein of granite, never wavering from this idiotic path or showing any potential for even the most rudimentary intelligence.  Ass-Hat Houston, Lagerfeld fan-a-flicking,  complains that the route they’re taking isn’t straight and Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain explains that, “It’s a jungle out there.”  Sheesh…

"Bitch, I was in Shogun & the Thornbirds...sfu..."

After walking a little further, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain tells Ass-Hat Houston that they’ve lost their shadow.  Being an ass-hat, she turns to their ESL Native Companion Umbopo, and asks, “What does he mean shadow?”  Seriously, the guy who said “We’ve lost our shadow” is right in front of her and she turns to the dude who barely speaks English.  Idiot.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain explains, nearly exasperated (me too) that they’ve been followed for the last few miles.  “What do you mean, followed?” – that is her actual line of dialogue, I shit you not.  Resisting the urge to crush her larynx with his man-hands, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain just keeps walking, praying that some venomous snake will take her any second.

Tiki, the local spy who cavorts like a monkey and kneels before the white man says, "Turn the page, please!"

The group emerges from the jungle and finds themselves at the gates of Tongola, some “town” that consists of gates, a wall, a circular market place and some dead end alleys constructed to make the place appear much larger than it is.  Movie Magic™!  Long Sufferin’ Quatermain tells Native Companion Ombopo to stow their shit while he and the ass-hat head into the city.  Being a superstitious sort, Native Companion Ombopo warns them not to go into the “town” alone.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain ignores this warning, as any good adventurer would, and heads off into town with Ass-Hat Houston close behind.

We then cut to a rooftop in Tongola, where The Evil Turk Dugati is, between puffs on a hookah and pampering by a local whore, complaining about the local German Army leader Colonal Klink Bockner‘s ear-shattering music – you guessed it – Wagner played on a screechy, old gramophone.  As Colonal Klink Bockner tries to extol the subtleties in Wagner’s composition, he reveals himself to be deliciously racist, closed-minded and unapologetic, all whilst chomping on a bratwurst – I swear, I’m not making this up.   Tiki then shows up and explains that a group of honkies has entered town, and they’re not the fun-loving German kind.  Evil Turk Dugati rises dramatically and hisses the name “Quatermain” at the camera (I think he also twirled his moustache and snickered, but I’m not sure).

Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain and his Ass-Hat work their way through town, as Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner discuss their desire to get to King Solomon’s Mines.  Our “heroes” pass by a slave-trading session, credited to Evil Turk (and slave trader) Dugati, as Quatermain explains that for $100 you could own one for life.

“$100?  That’s terrible,” Ass-Hat responds, appalled.   “Well, you could always bargain…” he quips and they keep moving.

Mapaki Chief, Bone-Staff and Spear Weilding Cannibal says, "Turn the page, please!"

The “heroes” meet the Mapaki, a cannibal tribe, who take a particular interest in Ass-Hat Houton (must be her blond hair, or perhaps the lack of pesky brain matter that they don’t have a taste for).  As she flips out, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain gently leads her away explaining that they were only grocery shopping.  Ass-Hat loses her shit and screams that she hired Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain to take “[her] to the [the local strip club] “House of Isis,” not on a tour!”  He snarkily points out that it’s just in the next courtyard (meaning: this courtyard, re-arranged) and she storms off in a huff.

Rather instantly, Ass-Hat Houston is abducted by the natives and they place her inside a rolled-up rug so as not to draw attention to themselves – their flagrant, mid-afternoon, full daylight, central market place abduction of the only white woman for miles notwithstanding.  Since Tongola is the rug capital of Africa, the plan does have merit.  Our “hero” gives chase to the rug salesman and grabs his overly wrapped belt, causing him to spin out of control – uh, sure.  Fortunately for our “heroes,” they’re not the only white people in Tongola today.  As the rug salesman is spinning out of control, this proper looking English gentleman appears.

One of these things is not like the other.

He gets hit, not once, but twice because the editor, super genius that he must have been didn’t realize that having the shot of the only white guy getting hit with the rug more than once could be fairly obvious – actually, would be completely obvious.

Hit #1

Hit #2

The rug eventually hits the ground and unrolls, revealing that Ass-Hat isn’t even inside (paralleling a much more skillfully shot scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, with woven baskets instead of rugs).  The rug with Ass-Hat inside is quickly taken up to The Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner.  The rug merchants unroll the rug as their captive rolls right across the floor and through the very weak roof barrier.  She tumbles across a very bouncy awning and onto an awaiting horse cart as the enraged Evil Turk Dugati beats a couple of his slaves.  The horse bolts and Ass-Hat is unwittingly involved in the lamest chase ever.  As the cart circles and circles the same marketplace, shot from different angles, we’re treated to cutaways of Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain in pursuit.

No comment.

Two local thugs board the out-of-control horse cart and begin half-assedly attacking the “heroine” and she thumps on their gleaming, sweat-drenched, ebony chests…uh, nevermind.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain arrives in the nick of time to beat off the thugs (heh…) and grab the reigns.  As he stops the horse, the back of the cart gives out and Ass-Hat Houston and a bunch of plastic vegetables go tumbling out onto the dirty local street.  Her fight-or-flight instinct kicks in and she goes screaming off down an alleyway and grabs a local garment as a disguise.

Very convincing.

She eventually finds her way to the House of Isis, run by Kazaam, the whiny, fez-wearing dude from the opening of the film.  The scene progresses with some particularly horrible acting from Ms. Stone as she explains that her father is an archaeologist/historian who had come to see Kazaam about a map.  In the midst of this explanation, Kazaam manages to get her into shackles and a choker (I told you she was stupid).  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain arrives just in time, smashing through a tiny skylight in the roof (why?) and destroying a table in the process.  Kazaam, still reeling from having to replace his front door, is devastated but removes the shackles at Quatermain’s insistence.  When he does, Ass-Hat puts on her clobbering shoes and grabs the antique dealer by the collar, shouting, “Where’s my father you cheap suited, camel jockey!?”  Again, an actual line of dialogue.  Our “heroes” manage to get the info out of Kazaam with the help of a gun – Old Dude Professor Houston was looking for a map to the fabled King Solomon’s Mines.

Pricelessly papier-mâché'd

Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain scoffs and notices an ornate looking sarcophagus.  Smelling formaldehyde, he opens it up.  Inside they find Ass-Hat’s father’s assistant, Rupert (or the Young Dude from the beginning of the film – try to keep up, we’re like only 15 minutes in now).  The two of them lose it and Quatermain yells, “Where is her father, you towel-headed creep!” – providing us with two racist tirades in one scene.  Kazaam claims ignorance while Ass-Hat digs around Rupert’s mummified corpse.  She pulls out the hand-held object from the opening of the movie and uses it to smash Quatermain over the head, mistaking him for Kazaam – I’m just writing what I see, kids.  She then shatters the statue against one of the concrete columns in the shop.  Kazaam seizes the opportunity and pulls out a revolver from one of the many objects in his shop.  The antique dealer is an exceptionally fine shot – first he shoots the gun out of Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain’s hand in one shot, then he does it a second time when Ass-Hat grabs the dropped gun and tries her luck at the turkey shoot, only this time the gun lands in his free hand.  So now we have Kazaam with a gun in each hand, firing madly and our “heroes” pinned behind a trunk – intrepid, indeed.

"Oh...so it actually was a stick of dynamite in your pocket...you weren't happy to see me..."

Without any other option, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain pulls out a stick of dynamite from his pants pocket, lights it and tosses it towards an upper part of the shop.  As Kazaam scrambles to climb up a pile of antiques to get it, our “heroes” attempt to flee, only to be stopped by The Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner.  The two Evil Doers force our “heroes” back inside the shop just as Kazaam proclaims he’s found the dynamite – then he promptly explodes.

Epic. Fail.

The explosion throws the villains out of the shop as Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain and Ass-Hat Houston meet up with Native Companion Ombopo.  He shuffles Ass-Hat away as our “hero” attempts to retrieve her father.  Colonal Klink Bockner, in a nearby building, is whipping Old Dude Professor Houston, while asking where the map is and explaining that they’re going to be taking the train to the German camp in Barumba where he will have to talk or die.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain is listening to this entire conversation from a window, but is interrupted by a German soldier who draws his gun.  Our “hero” lights another stick of dynamite (in his endless supply) and tosses it into the German truck outside that is waiting for the villains, emptying it of passengers.  He then jumps in and drives off.  Long Sufferin’ Quatermain picks up Ass-Hat Houston and Native Companion Ombopo, and tosses out the lit stick of dynamite.  It explodes and blocks the roadway behind them.  Buying themselves some time, Quatermain jumps out and frees the group of slaves they saw earlier.  See – this movie isn’t racist at all.

Native Companion Umbopo, so primitive and backwards that he is deathly afraid of driving in auto-ma-cars disagrees and says, "Turn the page, please!"

The evil ones manage to catch up to our “heroes” and another lame chase, round and round the same, stale old marketplace ensues.  Thankfully, it doesn’t last long as a Muslim cleric comes out and calls everyone to daily prayer, shutting down the extensive roadways of Tongola.  They escape, leaving their pursuers in the dust.

Some time later, our “heroes” are seen taking a minor romantic interlude.  They rush to catch the train to the German camp and place their truck in the middle of the track to ensure that it will stop.  It doesn’t, and their truck is obliterated as the locomotive smashes through it.  They scramble to get onto the moving train, making it in the nick of time.  Phew!  Exciting!

Um, it could, like, totally be an Imperial trap, too.

Leaving Ass-Hat and Native Companion Umbopo behind, Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain heads off to find Old Dude Professor Houston.  He wiggles down under the train carriages to make sure he’s not detected by the German soldiers.  One manages to see him and follows him under the train for a slow-moving fight scene that ends with the hapless German receiving a face full of steam and falling to his death.  Ass-Hat gets a little antsy and decides to leave Ombopo and see where Quatermain’s gone.  She manages to get through the German soldiers by using her feminine wiles.  Meanwhile, Qautermain bursts into one of the train cars and is surrounded by the business ends of guns.  He pulls out a bugle and begins leading the completely retarded German soldiers in a round of Camptown Races, a horrifically racist song, allowing him to escape.

Some of the soldiers were hoping for a less literal interpretation of "Blow my horn"

Long Sufferin’ Quatermain finds Old Dude Professor Houston being tortured by The Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner in the caboose (as in, he was being tortured in the last train car, not what you were thinking, perv).  He unlatches the window as Ass-Hat Houston shows up.  Ahead of the train, an elephant crossing the tracks (probably on its way to a funeral) causes the train to brake slowly.  The laws of physics don’t apply to Ass-Hat, however, and she goes flying, head first into the caboose from above.

In case you were unsure of why Sharon Stone never talks about her career pre-Basic Instinct.

With Ass-Hat in their vile clutches, the villains turn their attention to Long Sufferin’ Quatermain by shooting up through the ceiling.  Silly music begins as he must dance around to avoid the bullets – srsly?  We’re also treated to some of the worst blue-screen work ever committed to celluloid.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain falls over the side of the train, just barely hanging on as the Huge, Over-sized, Evil Henchman emerges with a sledgehammer in hand.  The Huge, Over-sized, Evil Henchman manages to grab hold of our “hero” and tosses him between the train cars.  Richard Chamberlain’s stuntman takes over and manages to grab a chain that is inexplicably dangling loose below the train.

"I guess if the matting the stunt man is sliding on doesn't blend, it's not THAT big a deal." Wha-?

…riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

Long Sufferin’ Quatermain manages to get himself upright and ride the rails – I shit you not, yet again.  As he gets himself back onto the train, local savages with white-man weapons attack the train.  In the commotion, Native Companion Umbopo sneaks his way through the German soldiers and dispatches of the Huge, Over-sized, Evil Henchman quite expertly.  Again underneath the train, Long Sufferin’ Quatermain wiggles his way underneath the caboose as a Random German Sadist/Homosexual attempts to seduce Old Dude Professor Houston and failing that, Ass-Hat Houston.  Random German Sadist/Homosexual is so taken with his own efforts, that he doesn’t notice the double barreled shotgun poking through the floor boards of the caboose.  Not good.

All Hands on Deck

The “heroes” unlatch the caboose from the rest of the train as Native Companion Ombopo makes a timely appearance from up on the roof.  As the German train is speeding away, Long Sufferin’ Quatermain pulls two sticks of dynamite out of his pants and hands one to Ombopo (that’s a total of four sticks out of his pants for those keeping count).  He sets the other alight and throws it at the back of the train just as The Evil Turk Dugati and Colonal Klink Bockner appear from inside the car.  Kabloooey!

They return inside their rapidly slowing caboose and Old Dude Professor Houston speaks about the mines and how they’re not just a legend or a fantasy as Quatermain insists.  He also asks our “hero” to promise that he’ll get to the mines first.  Ass-Hat, being an Ass-Hat, promises her father that she’ll find the mines.  Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain tells Native Companion Ombopo to take Old Dude to the village to get him medical attention.  Ombopo vows to meet up with them later.  Ass-Hat and Long Sufferin’ share a tender moment outside of the train where he tells her that “[He] does believe in the mines, but he’s starting to believe in [her].”  Like seriously, what the f*ck does that mean?  The sound of an approaching plane distracts them.

"Hey, I think that's a plane."

Our “heroes” follow the plane to a small German airfield nearby where Ass-Hat manages to commandeer an aircraft – not using intelligence, mind you, just using her hotness.  The plan backfires, however, as the aircraft lurches forward and Ass-Hat is unable to control the aircraft (surprised, anyone?).  The surrounding camp is alerted to the theft, due in part to the sound of the engine, but more specifically due to Ass-Hat’s screams of terror.  In an effort to stop the stolen plane the German’s assign a motorcycle.   No wonder they lost both wars.  Credit where it’s due, I suppose – the Germans may have realized that Sharon Stone was far too idiotic to ever get the thing airborne.

Ass-Hat does manage to scare the beejesus out of the Germans though, and the motorcyclist loses control of the bike, crashing it until it kerplodes.  Long Sufferin’ Quatermain catches up to the runaway plane and jumps onto the wing (again, some stupendously bad blue screen work in this scene).  With our “hero” dangling precariously from the wing, they are attacked by a bad Red Baron Wannabe who loses in the lamest game of chicken I’ve ever seen.  The Red Baron Wannabe is finally felled by a kick to the head.  Wait…they’re in planes – how could a kick to the head do him in, you say?  Witness.

Heavy flow day?

Meanwhile, far below, The Evil Turk Dugati and Herr Colonal Klink Bockner are slowly trudging their way across the African plains, carried by a group of slaves who are doing most of the trudging.  Our “heroes” decide to buzz just above the group to scare the ever lovin’ shit out of them.  It works and the slaves scatter.  Ass-Hat does something mildly clever and drops a couple bombs on the group – oddly, these bombs were just tucked away near her seat at the rear of the plane.

The plane is hit on its last low pass and Long-Sufferin’ and Ass-Hat are forced to land – or should I say jump for their lives.  As they leap from the aircraft, it turns into a very bad model – good thing they got out.  The two of them look up and notice two Titty-Shaped Mountain peaks, which harken back to the map to the mines, in the shape of a woman – The Breasts of Sheba.  Intriguing.

I think I see Mel Lastman...oops, nope - they got him.

Quatermain and Ass-Hat continue along their merry way and are ambushed by a surprisingly large number of angry Mapaki (the cannibals from earlier in the film).  Our “heroes” as you probably already guessed, are the main course at a meal in their honour.  Schnikies!  The Mapaki herd them up to their huge pot full of plastic vegetables (also reused from earlier in the film) and set it alight.  In what is probably the most moronic moment in the film (or any film), they escape by rocking the huge pot back and forth until it finally tips over and begins violently rolling down the side of the mountain.  It comes to rest near a pride of lions who express little interest in the two numbnuts who live in the round, moving cave.  Our “heroes” share another stolen (and pointless) romantic moment as a lion rests its weary bones at the lip of their pot.

The "Oogah-Boogah'ing" Canniballistic Mapaki tribesman, complete with bone hair pieces and ornate skeleton shields say, "Please turn the page!"

The lion eventually decides to move on, as do Long-Sufferin’ Quatermain and Ass-Hat Houston.  They reach a wooded glade and are pulled up into the trees by another tribe, the Obugwa.  The Obugwa, according to our “hero,” are the legendary guardians of King Solomon’s Mines – hopefully no fatties will ever try to get to the mines, or these malnourished natives will have a tough time yanking them up to the tops of trees.  In any event, they treat them royally – quite literally – presuming that Ass-Hat is a queen of some kind.  They place a beautifully ornate and starburst-filtered crown upon her head.

Just then, at the other side of the Obugwa’s territory, the band of Evil Doers arrive.  The Obugwa make quick work of the soldier fodder, further diminishing the group’s numbers.

The Obugwa lead Ass-Hat and Long Sufferin’ to safety.  After being dropped off, they walk only a few feet when a life-size replica of the map to the mines from earlier in the film pops-up in front of them.  They continue a little further and are captured (yet again) by another tribe, even more racially insensitive than the last.  Let’s see how many we can count, shall we?

1. Spear wielding, rabble-roused native riff raff - Check!

2. Skull-faced, dusty muscle men - Check!

3. Crazy-eyed, bone-decked, skull-staffed witch doctor - Check!

4. Overly wrinkled, crazy haired, leopard-fun-fur clad, bad toothed, mumbo-jumbo spouting High Priestess - Check!

…and for good measure…

5. Ornately decorated, bone-through-the-nose foot soldiers - Check!

This motley crew decides to tie up Long Sufferin’ and hoist him up above their conveniently placed alligator pit.  The crowd is worked into a total lather, anxiously awaiting our “hero’s” demise while Ass-Hat begs for his life.  Her pleas fall on deaf ears.  Quatermain wriggles his arms free just as a huge explosion goes off near them.  Emerging from the dust is none other than Native Companion Ombopo!  His appearance draws a very worried look from the High Priestess, especially when he begins shouting something at the gathered crowd and thumping his chest.

I think Richard Chamberlain might have actually been there, but I'm not sure.

The witch doctor attacks Ombopo as Long-Sufferin’ cuts the rope and defies the laws of physics by swinging across the alligator pit using a stationary rope.  When he lands he tangles with the skull-faced chaps and makes his way towards Ass-Hat, who is being man-handled away.  The High Priestess makes a quick exit on the shoulders of some underlings.  Native Companion Ombopo starts yammering aloud about how he is the rightful ruler of the Kukuwanas (I’m going to assume he means the mish-mash of stereotypes amongst whom our “heroes” find themselves).  As his new subjects begin kneeling before Ombopo, another explosion goes off near the gates to the enclosure as the Evil Doers being pouring in.  YIKES!  The Evil Turk Dugati has acquired a magical weapon that fires ammo in an incredible arc.  Colonal Klink Bockner’s men begin shooting everything that’s not white in sight, pushing the Kukuwanas and our “heroes” further back.  Ass-Hat, still in the clutches of the skull-faced thugs, is wrangled into a cave at the High Priestess’ direction and Long Sufferin’ and Native Companion King Ombopo arrive just as the secret passageway closes in front of them.

The Evil Doers decide to forgo their pursuit of the “heroes” and opt instead to head for the mines, leaving a village that has been razed to the ground in their wake.  Sensitive.  As the nefarious group makes their way towards the mines, they encounter some booby-traps which again, further diminish their numbers.  In an effort to not kill every member of their group before the end of the movie, they change tactics and follow Long Sufferin’ and the King.

Who are the real savages?

Our “heroes” lead them right to the mines, but trick the entire group into walking straight into a pit of quicksand (which looks suspiciously like dyed ground beef floating in water).  The Evil Doers, in the midst of sinking to their deaths, still fire on Long Sufferin’ and the King as they finally breach the entrance to the mines.  The Evil Turk Dugati decides to shoot most of the sinking party, providing himself and those lucky enough to escape his maniacal lunacy, with a convenient series of objects to step on in order to cross the quicksand safely.  Cold.

John Rhys-Davies was doing these underpaid extras a favour by putting them out of their collective misery.

The High Priestess and her thugs take Ass-Hat into a very red chamber, which I can only assume means there’s lava nearby – or dyed water with red lights under it and  some dry ice in it.  At the same time, The Surviving Evil Doers enter the mines.  Colonal Klink Bockner decides that it’s about time for a double-cross, so he shoots The Evil Turk Dugati five times (five…got it?).  He then shows some actual intelligence and commands (at gunpoint) the two remaining party members to enter the mines before him.  In the red chamber, the High Priestess is in the midst of some bizarre ritual that involves a glowing hot object (a mask…?) being hoisted above the lava by her thugs and then placed (?) on Ass-Hat’s head?  Jealous much?  As his girlfriend is about to be permanently mutilated, Long Sufferin’ arrives with King Ombopo and they knock the thugs hoisting the mask into the “lava.”  Enraged, the High Priestess orders the two remaining thugs to give Ass-Hat a bath…IN LAVA!  Nail biting!  The “heroes” seize a moment of distraction and knock out the last of the thugs as the High Priestess retreats into the catacombs.

You know this is lava because when you fall in, a badly matted explosion appears.

Long Sufferin’ Quatermain, Ass-Hat Houston and King Ombopo head into another part of the mines and gingerly make their way across a series of stone platforms in some water.  King Ombopo, realizing these two are not the brightest bulbs, warns them to not step on the stone with the HUGE RED DOT ON IT.  Confused at first, they comply and head safely through this room into the next.  The new chamber has several back lit, lucite encased mannequins which, according to the King, are the previous Queens of the Kukuwana.  They’re also all Caucasian and that’s why the High Priestess lost her shit at the site of Ass-Hat Houston (that and her horrible “acting”).  The High Priestess appears and lures King Ombopo away from the others, as Colonal Klink Bockner enters the red chamber.  He orders the stupider of his two hapless companions to go down a separate tunnel to determine the danger (meaning: go down this tunnel to die, or otherwise pre-occupy whatever nasty beast is laying in wait).  Less than 10 seconds into his exploration of this tunnel, the idiot encounters a spider even more horribly executed than the one appearing in the climax of the TV movie IT (1990).  Predictably, he gets caught in the web and is killed.  Colonal Klink Bockner is ambushed at the same time, but shoots his attacker off.

Oh for fuck's sake...

Long Sufferin’ and Ass-Hat hear the gunshot and attempt to flee, only to find themselves in a new chamber – full of TREASURE!  Being exceptionally dim, the two of them decide to fill as many available pockets and orifices as they can and make their escape (Indiana Jones would never do this…).  Outside, Colonal Klink Bockner makes his way across the stone steps in the water, only to have his sole remaining companion step on – you guessed it – the rock with the huge red dot on it.  D’OH!  The rock platforms drop away and he is plunged into the water, disappearing in a furious gurgling of foam.

Back in the treasure chamber, Long Sufferin’ and Ass-Hat feel a little kharmic justice when the High Priestess pushes a stone lever which seals the treasure chamber and causes the spiked ceiling to start descending – at this point they weren’t even bothering to try and disguise their flagrant lifts from the superior Indiana Jones films.  The two attempt to stop the lowering spikes by wedging objects into place, eventually succeeding in saving their stupid asses.  Successfully until the room starts filling with water, that is.

Sharon Stone's agent just informed her that she's actually contracted to do TWO of these shiteous pictures - BACK TO BACK!

As the water finally reaches their chins, Ass-Hat professes her love for Long Sufferin’ Quatermain.  He’s already beneath the surface so he likely doesn’t hear.  With the water about to fill their lungs, a huge explosion rocks the chamber and drains all the water.  Colonel Klink Bockner, in his impatient attempt to get to the treasure, laid dynamite at the door and demolished it, inadvertently saving our “heroes” lives.  They slide across the floor and are knocked out as Herr Colonel surveys his newly acquired treasure.  His ego stroking is interrupted by the very much alive, Evil Turk Dugati, who is understandably peeved that the Colonel shot him.  Five. Times. Got it?

The Evil Turk has a great plan though – instead of killing the German, he gets him to act as a courier for the treasure: in his hat, his pockets, his pants, even his stomach.  Colonal Klink Bockner is taken aback by the request, but complies when Dugati assures him that when they eventually escape he will split him open.  Oh, that’s ok then.  The Colonel swallows stone after stone at The Evil Turk’s insistence.

I personally wanna see that x-ray.

Elsewhere, the High Priestess and King Ombopo exchange some gibberish and then she unceremoniously leaps into a gaping well in the middle of the floor.  The reason?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Then she inexplicably bursts into flame.  Her kerplosion causes the entire mountain to shudder and King Ombopo makes a quick exit to find his friends.  The Evil Turk Dugati is crushed as the ceiling of the treasure chamber collapses in on top of him, but Colonal Klink Bockner is able to escape, despite being filled with precious jewels.  Before leaving however, he extols the superiority of German laxatives (again, actual dialogue folks) and shoots the last remnants of the ceiling onto the trapped Dugati (with a gun that was just sitting there).

Outside, Long Sufferin’ and Ass-Hat awaken and head towards the exit as the caves collapse around them, running into King Ombopo in the process.  As the styrofoam rocks and dust rain down from the ceiling, our “heroes” find themselves back in the water chamber with the stone steps.  The missing section is still gone, but the King presses a button to reset the trap.  With a clear passage, the trio sets out.  They’re soon stopped by the gun-brandishing  Colonal Klink Bockner who demands they give him all the treasure they’ve accumulated since “diamonds are no good to the dead, are they?”  But Long Sufferin’ has a plan and he places their loot on the stone with the huge red dot on it and informs the Colonel that he’ll have to come get them – which he does.

As soon as the idiot stands on the red dotted stone, the platform collapses and he is plunged into the water.  What follows really defies any sort of logic or good taste or clever writing…so I give you Colonal Klink Bockner’s death scene…

Sweet merciful Christ, it’s the stupidest thing you’ll ever see in your life.  A papier-mâché sea monster or other sea cow raises it’s horrible inanimate head and appears to chomp on Colonal Klink Bockner, but he manages to swear revenge on behalf of the German Army before finally being pulled under.  I personally volunteer to switch places with the Colonel if it means this will end faster.  Before the “heroes” leave the chamber, however, a small pile of diamonds rises from the depths atop one of the stone platforms.  Ass-Hat and Long Sufferin’ make a move to grab it, but King Ombopo stops them saying that “the diamonds belong to the mountain.”  Jeez – you’re a real drag, you know that?!

They make their way to the red chamber where the King and Ass-Hat are separated from Quatermain when a lava filled crack forms in the floor.  Long Sufferin’ orders King Ombopo to take Ass-Hat out of the mines and he does.  Our “hero” scrambles to find an escape, but is halted by a fist to the face care of The Evil Turk Dugati who has now been shot five times and crushed by tonnes of craggy rocks.  Dust covered, he enters the room and expresses the pleasure he’s anticipating at finally killing Long Sufferin’.  The two scuffle as the Evil Turk tries to push Quatermain’s face into the red water (lava).  Our “hero” manages to get to his feet and after a few exchanged blows, the villain lights himself on fire accidentally.

"Sweet, sweet merciful release..." John Rhys-Davies

Long Sufferin’ continues to battle The Evil (and Immolating) Turk Dugati, eventually pinning him to the wall with a long stick.  Dugati throws our “hero” back and runs at him headlong, screaming, “We go TOGETHER!”  Long Sufferin’ flips the running fireball up and over him and into the water, I mean – lava, and also falls in.  But wait!  Our “hero” actually grabs a chain hanging around the lava pit (apparently, it’s not the kind of lava that heats up nearby metal).  But wait again!  Our “hero” in fact does dip his entire feet in the water (look in the bottom right-hand corner, here, here and here) but miraculously he walks away unharmed.  Long Sufferin’ pole vaults across the lava chasm and runs out of the mines, just as the entrance collapses and another badly matted explosion effect tells us that the mines are gone forever.

See what your white greed got you? Please note that the explosion special effect is doubled, mirrored and then flipped upside down - for unknown reasons. Movie Magic™!

The “heroes” are instantly back in the Kukuwana village, which has somehow completely rebuilt itself from the previous devastation in a matter of minutes.  In addition, King Ombopo has acquired a lovely new headdress! Long Sufferin’ gripes to the King about how he kept his knowledge of his royal blood and the mines a secret.  King Ombopo tells him that he shouldn’t be upset that he did not get to keep the diamonds (I don’t think that’s what he said, actually…).  He goes on to say that since they were the last people to see the inside of King Solomon’s Mines, they have a wonderful memory that they can carry forever.  Yeah, well, memories and a dime won’t buy a ticket out of this shithole, your Royal Doucheness.

Plundering the ancient storehouses of these ignorant primitives makes me hot - how 'bout you?

Ass-Hat Houston and Long Sufferin’ Quatermain make their way through the main gates of the village and he tells her that he couldn’t let her father, Old Dude Professor Houston, come away with nothing.  He then produces a massive diamond from his pocket (using up all four of his dynamite sticks earlier in the film left him with a lot of room).  Then Ass-Hat produces a similarly massive diamond, telling Long Sufferin’ that “[she] didn’t want [him] to go through all of this for nothing.”

Frankly, if you think a 532 karat diamond is payment enough to put up with your complete ass-hattery for two hours, you’re stupider than I thought.

King Solomon’s Mines is a monumentally bad film, but I must admit I was never bored once during it and it kept me laughing for it’s entire 1h 40m running time.  I suggest you go out and witness the buffoonery for yourself.  Till next time!

Ostrich headdress & leopard skin wearing Native Companion King Ombopo says, "Thank you for reading. Goodbye!"

The "Oogah-Boogah'ing" Canniballistic Mapaki tribesman, complete with bone hair pieces and ornate skeleton shields say, "Please turn the page!"

1985 Red Sonja
1984 Conan the Destroyer
1984 Firestarter
1984 Dune
1983 Amityville 3-D
1983 Halloween III: Season of the Witch
1983 Dead Zone
1982 Conan the Barbarian
1982 Amityville II: The Possession
1981 Halloween II
1980 Flash Gordon
1976 King Kong
1968 Barbarella

Orca is no different, boasting a big-name cast and relatively impressive special effects for the time.  Richard Harris stars as Captain Nolan, a poor man’s (and stupid man’s) Captain Ahab, who exhibits as much prowess for ship mastery as the logo on a Cap’n Crunch box.  Charlotte Rampling sleepwalks her way through her role as marine biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford opposite Harris.  Rounding out the cast are a pre-10 Bo Derek, a post-Cuckoo’s Nest (and pre-Poltergeist II) Will Sampson and finally Keenan Wynn (who I personally have only ever known as Digger Barnes, so let’s say pre-Dallas).

Lock and load

The movie opens with several romantic and nauseating shots of killer whales swimming in schools, frolicking with each other and generally presenting themselves as innocent, peace-loving and familial creatures.  Cap’n Nolan’s boat, The “Bumpo,” and its crew are fishing somewhere off the coast of Newfoundland (yay!) and come across Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford and her assistant as they are about to become shark bait.  De Laurentiis has never been accused of being a subtle film-maker, so “Orca” (in a moronically blatant attempt to distinguish its “monster” from Speilberg’s Bruce) makes quick work of the Great White shark closing on Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford and her assistant.  Cap’n Nolan is immediately thrown into Blood Lust™ and decides to hunt down the black and white behemoth.  The Bumpo’s crew harpoons a killer whale, but sadly it isn’t “Orca” (Cap’n Nolan is a pretty shitty shot).  The snagged whale is none other than his mate, practically bursting with child (or should I say calf…?).  The pregnant female is hauled onboard and promptly expels the fetus – is this a common stimulus response in Orcinus Orca?

Peekaboo!!

The fetus flops out onto the deck, much to the horror of the assembled crew.  The scene itself is relatively shocking, but more for the gross-out factor than for its dramatic resonance.  Immediately, we cut away to “Orca” screeching in agony as he realizes not only has his hot-ass lover been deep-sixed, but now their love child has had to endure the embarrassment of a premature curtain call.  For shame.

See that?  That’s you.

Anyway, “Orca” screams (did you know killer whales could do that?) and takes special note of Cap’n Nolan.  We know this because the filmmakers have decided to provide us with empirical evidence – a close-up shot of the beast’s eye, with Cap’n Nolan awkwardly matted in.  See?  The Whale is looking right at him as if to say, “I’m-a git you!”

You no dats right!  I’m-a kill you!

So begins the plot proper as “Orca” begins to systematically goad Cap’n Nolan into a rematch.  As far-fetched as you think this sounds, your thoughts couldn’t possibly do the absolute absurdity of this film justice.  “Orca” manages to destroy a gas factory, sink a few boats and raze a house to the ground (er – water).  Obviously the writers of this movie were trying to make “Orca” look intelligent (unlike that lumbering shark in Jaws) but it is taken to such an extreme with such extremely bad acting and extremely bad filmmaking, you cannot help but guffaw.

Immediately following any act of destruction, “Orca” is shown leaping into the air and kersplashing into the water triumphantly.  I conservatively estimate that this one looped shot is shown about 12 times in the movie, from the left or from the right, depending on whether or not the filmmakers decided to flip the negative.  And the shot is so clearly from an unsuspecting killer whale at SeaWorld, it’s laughable.

“Die, you puny human scum!”

Despite what Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford and a local aboriginal are sagely telling him, Cap’n Nolan decides the most appropriate course of action would be to saddle up the Bumpo and her crew and head out to sea…to presumably kill this whale, although by all accounts, Cap’n Nolan has resigned himself to his own impending death at the hands of this super-intelligent killer whale.  The event that triggers this insane kamikaze plan is the horrific maiming of Bo Derek’s idiotic character.  Deciding to spare her pathetic life, “Orca” chomps off her leg, making her running on the beach in 10 quite impossible…but I digress.

Nom, nom, nom.

The Bumpo’s crew decide to let “Orca” drive the boat and follow the killer whale towards the Arctic.  Along the way, Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford’s assistant is eaten by the whale.  Quite effectively, too…he goes out on one of the poles, “Orca” leaps up, grabs him and then hits the water with nothing in its mouth.  AMAZING!  Also, this sequence uses a wonderful shot of a killer whale at SeaWorld shoe-horned in.

Aargh!

Once in the Arctic, “Orca” puts his plan in motion and shoves an iceberg into the side of the Bumpo.  The boat begins to sink as Cap’n Nolan, Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford and the sagely aboriginal dude scramble onto the styrofoam – I mean, “ice.”  The whale smashes the styrofoam and a bunch of styrofoam bits come loose, apparently “killing” the sagely aboriginal dude.  We know this because we can see his gloved hand poking out of some styrofoam that has been painted red (that’s supposed to be blood, by the way).

I sees you.

Using a lot of squeaks and screeches and grunts, “Orca” manages to get Cap’n Nolan to come out onto a flimsy ice flow.  “Orca” circles, taunting him.  Finally, in what can only be described as the most exciting climax in the history of cinema, the whale slaps its fat head down on the ice flow and Cap’n Nolan slowly slides into the frigid waters of the Arctic.

I tol’ you – I’m-a git you, I’m-a kill you.  An’ I did.

With Cap’n Nolan only seconds away from death, and thankfully with this movie seconds away from completion, “Orca” lays the smack down – literally.  With a flick of his rubbery tail, the killer whale throws Cap’n Nolan in a skull-shattering thud against the iceberg.  Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford can only watch helplessly as Cap’n Nolan’s corpse (and Charlotte Rampling’s career) slide gruesomely into the icy blue.  Da-dum.

For an environmentalist, Dr. Rachel Bedford uses a LOT of styrofoam…

Marine Biologist, Dr. Rachel Bedford, is saved by the timeliest helicopter in history as “Orca” swims away.  Now, there is some debate as to the fate of the killer whale at the end of the film.  Does he swim off into the sunset to live happily as a childless widower, taking comfort in the fact that he outwitted a group of the most inept homo sapiens assembled?  Or does he decide that he can’t live with the horror of what he’s witnessed, not to mention the thought of living without his only true love, and kill himself under the ice?  The short answer is this:  who gives a shit?   As the whale is seen swimming away, we hear the opening strains of undoubtedly the worst song to ever to grace the silver screen – “My Love, We Are One” by Carol Connors.  I cannot even do the absolute asshattery of this tune justice, so I suggest you youtube it immediately.  WARNING: Prepare lots of towels for your bleeding ears before hitting “Play.”

“Orca” is quite a fun film to watch, but it insults the viewer’s intelligence at every turn.  From the completely egregious portrayal of killer whales and their supposed vengeance fueled rampages causing untold damages to mankind’s achievements.  The performances are campy and the plot is nonsensical so one should watch it with an asteroid-sized chunk of salt.

Jaws 3-D

Unlike certain “facts” purported by this ill-advised poster, the third dimension is not “TERROR” (nor is it “DEPTH,” btw…at least not in this case). It is clear the third dimension is more akin to “SHIT” or “ABSOLUTE GARBAGE,” but I digress.

If we take particular bits of information to be fact, the Jaws series would go something like this: Whereas Jaws (1975) is a classic of terror and suspense; Jaws II (1978) would be an inferior, if ambitious, sequel; while Jaws 3-D (1983) would be like that red-headed mongoloid your parents hid, chained up in your attic; Jaws: The Revenge would be like that kid your dad had with that whore the next town over – better left forgotten.

(isn’t it supposed to be JAWS 3-D, as it says on the poster? Perhaps the “D” is implied…)

Jaws 3-D opens underwater (duh) with various shots of various bits of undersea life doing various things. The Jaws theme kicks in and CRU-U-U-U-NCH!!-a decapitated fish. I think this is meant to be an ironic homage to the first film’s opening in which Susie Backlinie is violently devoured by the shark, but it does not instill terror in this viewer. In fact, the floating fish head is a symbol of everything wrong with Jaws 3-D (plot-wise, anyway)…nothing really scary happens and no one you really care about dies. Unlike Jaws and Jaws II, in which main characters are killed (Robert Shaw’s Quint in Jaws and several teens in Jaws II), Jaws 3-D has surprisingly few effective and dramatic death scenes, generally because you either don’t give a shit about whose being chomped or they don’t actually die (Lea Thompson, for example).

Back to the plot – John Williams unmistakable theme kicks in and the audience is pushed back into their seats as JAWS III flies at them, anthropomorphically altered to appear like a gaping maw (see: cut horizontally with pinking shears) and slams down with a loud crunching sound effect. Cheesy, yet still pretty damn cool. Sadly, this is the last cool thing you see in Jaws 3-D.

We then cut to the surface as a group of nubile, young teens practice their water skiing technique, oblivious to the (3D) terror awaiting below. In the midst of the gaiety, we’re introduced to Lea Thompson’s character, the Fun-Loving, Slutty Chick. At this point in the movie however, we’re blissfully unaware of those qualities and she comes off as ridiculously pea-brained, causing a pyramid of skiiers to plummet into the water. Oops!

It may shock you to know that this was his ONLY directorial attempt. Unfortunately, studios are way more forgiving nowadays – hear that, Michael Bay?

Thankfully, after fixing the boat engine for 5 minutes and re-assembling themselves into pairs (since only the dudes have water skis) for another 5 minutes, the group escapes…JUST IN TIME! Cut to some workers who are “fixing” something wrong with some kind of sea gate. Among them is a bodybuilder who seems to just stand around and pose. Gross.

“Hello, ladies…”

The audience soon figures out, through lots of empirical evidence, that we’re at SeaWorld (in Orlando, to be specific, although this is never mentioned on film).

It would seem that one wealthy businessman, Calvin Bouchard, owns SeaWorld and has revamped the park with a slew of new and exciting (and real) attractions. Among these is the Undersea Kingdom – a series of underwater tunnels that connect various underwater pavilions, each one appearing more cheesy and torturous than the last (at least REAL visitors to the REAL SeaWorld were never subjected to these nonsense exhibits). They’re all pressurized and “completely safe” (see: on the verge of collapse at any second). The entire complex is housed inside a man-made lagoon which is separated from the open sea by way of a sea gate.
In some very literal editing, we cut to the sea gate and see that familiar fin slowly heading towards the shockingly slow-closing gate.

Yes, I realize this shot is from Jaws: The Revenge, but I had to post it to highlight that film’s appallingly bad technical effects – note the fin is clearly not attached to anything. Yikes!

Of course, the shark manages to wedge itself between the closing gate doors and with a screech of metal and the sound of fatigued gears, the gate is broken. Uh-oh! Bodybuilder Douche is dispatched to fix it. He jumps in the water and…you guessed it…is killed before a soul has a chance to give two shits about him or his life. How do we know he’s dead, you ask? His severed (and horrifically FX matted) arm is floating right in front of us…d’uh!

If you have the 3D glasses, it doesn’t look any better – trust me.

Meanwhile, in an attempt to tether this film to the previous entries*, the main character is Mike Brody, a handyman at SeaWorld and son of Policy Chief Martin Brody from Jaws and Jaws 2. Martin lives with Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, the head marine biologist at SeaWorld. The two of them are having some “problems” since he has a job offer from Venezuela and she doesn’t want to go. Visiting them is Sean Brody, played by John Putch (who Star Trek: The Next Generation fans will probably not recognize as this dude.) Since the Fun-Loving, Slutty Chick is the only available cooter within a 30 mile radius, she and Sean Brody hook it up…and HOW! Fun-Loving, Slutty Chick manages to get him into the cool, shallow waters of the lagoon (something he is deathly afraid of since seeing the machanics of the shark up close in Jaws 2). Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, and Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, find them and the foursome frolick amongst each other, rolling on the beach, laughing and screaming all the way.

“Why, Mrs. McFly…are you trying to seduce me?”

Meanwhile, in another “security-lite” area of the lagoon, two idiots with an air raft decide that searching for coral at midnight in the middle of SeaWorld is a “good” idea. Hmmmm. Within seconds, one is eaten and his numskull friend follows quickly behind. In an inexplicable and stupid moment, the shark decides to also eat the air raft before returning to the depths. Wha-?

In a completely contrived bit of plot manipulation, two English adventurers arrive at the park at the behest of Calvin Bouchard (who, as the movie progresses becomes more and more like a fast-livin’, jive-talkin’, poor man’s John Hammond): they are Something FitzRoyce (a cigar chomping, high-adventurer and big-game-hunter) and his sidekick (a Cockney-accented sicophant). At this point, their names are blatantly unimportant – as each one-dimensional character is introduced, you realize that they’ll likely be dead within 45 minutes (or at least that’s what you’re led to believe). No sooner are these two stereotypes introduced than Mike gets a concerned phone call from Bodybuilder Douche’s girlfriend. Since it’s highly likely he drowned, Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, and Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, decide to take out the most pathetically cheap looking underwater craft to investigate the disappearance.

“Goodbye, Joe Alves Directing Career!”

They find nothing but more badly matted FX shots, and eventually make their way to the Spanish Galleon in the middle of the lagoon. Once there, they cleverly decide to leave the safe confines of their underwater craft. Smart! They are then scared shitless as the lagoon’s dolphins, Cindy and Sandy, pop through one of the portholes. Phew! It’s only the harmless creatures that we’ve captured and forced to perform for the amusement of fat Floridians and other tourists. BLAMMO! The shark rips through the side of the galleon, ensuring that both wetsuits are sufficiently filled with liquid pooh. Predictably (and ludicrously) the dolphins get their two human Overlords to grab onto their fins and swim them to safety. Yay!

Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, and Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, present the news of their near mastication to Calvin Bouchard, who comes up with the ingenious idea of capturing the shark and putting it on display for the sake of the almighty dollar. Weirdly, Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist is the real pusher for this idea (how does this make sense???). The group decides to go fishing that evening and find the shy and illusive Great White in a matter of seconds. They manage to snag and cage the man-killer, but not before a really bad 3D shot of a dart coming at the screen (this exact same shot was done 100x better in F13 III – 3D).

The slimey opportunists scientists at SeaWorld manage to rehabilitate the shark with the assistance of a bloated, foam-rubber shark and a dryer hose. All is perfect in the microcosm of real life that is SeaWorld Orlando. Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, gets his phone call from Venezuela telling him he’s got the job and so their bliss is shortlived once he tells Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist. To complicate matters, the Undersea Kingdom is finally opening to the public and Calvin Bouchard, in another fucking ingenius move, decides to put the foam-rubber Great White on display to milk it for as much cash as possible. Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, has a shitfit, but it’s too late…the shark dies within perhaps 10 minutes of being put on display. I guess she should have read up on the success rate of such ventures. I guess I’m the asshole for thinking a Marine Biologist might be aware of these biological facts about marine life. Moving on…

The tunnels provide an uninterrupted view of the giant blue screens that surround them.

Elsewhere in the park, the public is marveling at the wonders of the Undersea Kingdom. “Ooohs” and “Aaahs” can be heard reverberating through the underwater sets. There are some truly horrible effects during this sequence – the blue screen work is shite, the mechanical effects (an eel popping out and a tentacle grabbing a girl) are laughable…it’s a mess. Thankfully, a group of girls decides to look out one of the portholes and catches a glimpse of none other than Bodybuilding Douche’s shredded remains. Since two of the girls hate their one friend, they decide to shove her face into the glass for maximum effect.

It’s amazing how even a still image of this scene makes the scream look entirely fake.

The torso and dangley bits are fished out of the water and taken to a nearby morgue where Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, and Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, quickly identify it as Bodybuilding Douche. Being a Marine Biologist, Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, is just as quick to identify the attacker as a shark with a “bite radius about a yard across.” She of course relays this pertinent plot information to Calvin Bouchard, FitzRoyce and his Cockney assistant. Being complete retards, they poo-poo this theory about a giant shark, but quickly change their minds as said “Nessie-Shark” shows up just in the nick of time to terrorize diners at the underwater lounge.

So begins what should be the stand-out action/terror sequence of the film as Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, FitzRoyce and his Cockney assistant attempt to get the hapless SeaWorld going public to get the FUCK OUTTA THE WATER. This entire sequence is so laughably mishandled that it defies description in any kind of chronological context. Sufficit to say, NOT A SINGLE BATHER IS KILLED. That’s right…not one – in SeaWorld for fuck’s sake. Imagine taking a cat and putting it in a room filled entirely with mice – and have the cat be unable to catch ANYTHING. Also, watching the cat flop around and fail miserably at getting the mice would likely be more interesting than anything presented by Joe Alves.

We have waterskiers who fall into the water (AGAIN) and don’t get eaten (AGAIN). We have swimmers perched atop a balsa wood floating dock who fall into the water and don’t get eaten. We have Fun-Loving, Slutty Girl who falls into the water and gets badly bitten, but remains very much alive. WTF?! This is a JAWS movie, right???!

Luckily, these ladies are so deep in concentration, they don’t notice the potential danger that they will momentarily escape from without incident or excitement.

On the brighter side, parts of the scene are unintentially hilarious. As waterskiers narrowly escape death in the lagoon, what can only be described as a red-neck howdown/square dance involving a very animated pink pig in pair of pink overalls is taking place on shore. The audience is so mesmerized by this idiocy that they manage to overlook the carnage (or implied carnage, since no one gets a fucking scratch on them) taking place right in front of them. Elsewhere, Dennis Quaid injures more park goers than he saves in his bumbling attempts to warn the swimmers to get to safety. Knocking aside popcorn laden golf-carts, he saves what he likes, when he likes, who he likes and to HELL with anyone else!

The truly amazing (see: laughably shitty) part of the sequence comes in the director’s ill-advised attempts at capturing the feel of an Irwin Allen film. With hundreds fifteen or so tourists enjoying the Underwater Kingdom while this “mayhem” goes on above, the shark decides to turn its attention to them. As the luckless SeaWorld patrons are calmly asked by the booming voice of Calvin Bouchard to make their way to the nearest exit (!), the one intelligent being among them, a 6-year-old child, notices a huge “fish” stalking them from above. Yikes!!

Although this still was staged between takes, it reveals the unparalleled level of intensity the scene engenders in the audience (to say nothing of the “actors”)

The shark begins to head-butt the pressurized tunnels, causing them to rupture and put the park visitors in “mortal danger.” As with any good Irwin Allen picture, this is followed with shots and shots of screaming people trying to escape the collapsing tunnels before they’re killed.

Run for your “lives!”

This image from Jaws: Unleashed is actually way more exciting than anything in this sequence (or the film for that matter). As the tunnels fill up with sea water, the SeaWorld visitors are shuffled uneventfully into the still pressurized hub – still not outside the Underwater Kingdom, but apparently safe for the time being. To be honest, if one assclown had noticed the level of “carnage” going on around them, they’d have realized no one anywhere near this shark was in any danger whatsoever and just chilled the fuck out. What appears to be “freezing” water (aren’t they in Florida?) begins to fill up the hub as the lights go out (unsurprisingly, this scenario seems to terrify the patrons more than the 40ft shark swimming outside).

Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, begins to spearhead the repair team. As the tunnel patches are welded in a local machine shop, he decides that it’s a good time to have the discussion with Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, about their future. With a shark on the loose amongst the sea creatures she has built a lifetime of scientific examination around, she decides it is hightime she got the hell outta Dodge. Yay! It really warmed my heart that with members of the public hanging on for dear life at 40 fathoms, these two jackasses got their love life straightened out. Kudos.

Don’t be fooled, you’re actually watching “The Love Boat.”

Unfortunately, tunnel repair in a lagoon patrolled by a Great White is one stupid idea the SeaWorld staff DON’T latch onto, so FitzRoyce and his Cockney assistant decide to trap the beast in one of the intake tunnels. This goes off without a hitch until FitzRoyce is devoured by the shark – or should I say half-eaten, since his body becomes immovably wedged in the shark’s pharynx. Most living animals would find a 200lb man stuck in their throat to be a nuisance, but not this shark…he says stuck in there until the bitter end, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

The shark manages to escape as FitzRoyce’s Cockney assistant begins freaking out about his employer’s death. Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, and Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist (who decided to assist in the repair – wtf?!) are nearly killed as the shark surprises them. Again, no one is harmed in this encounter. The two manage to escape to the safety of the control room. Calvin Bouchard is there, as are two previously unseen and unnamed actors (a Caucasian woman and a Black man – oddsmakers take note!).

What follows is perhaps the stupidest moment ever captured on film, in any film, at any time in the history of cinema. As the humans look aghast in achingly slow motion, the shark makes a “run” for the control room window. The entire thing lasts for about 20 minutes of screen time, switching back and forth between gaping-mouthed humans and a shark getting closer, closer and closer still… Taken from FinalGirl.com, “[if] you scroll down the following photos, the sequence will happen faster than it did in the movie].
When the shark finally breaks through the glass, the room is instantly flooded with water. Of course, the Black Dude gets eaten first. Calvin Bouchard grabs the unnamed female and swims her to safety as Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman and Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, try to figure out how the hell to defeat this undersea behemoth.

In case it’s not immediately apparent, this is an image of Ray Harryhausen’s corpse being exhumed and raped repeatedly

Despite just eating someone (Black Dude), FitzRoyce is STILL wedged in the shark’s throat, the grenade STILL in the inescapable death grip of his right hand. Putting 2 and 2 together, Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, grabs a metal pole, bends it into a hook and amazingly manages to snag the pin on the granade. The two of them swim behind the control console and the shark is mercifully blown to smitherines.

In what (one assumes) is the money-shot of the film, the shark’s broken jaw is thrown out in front of the audience. DRAMATIC!

At this point, the audience watching it with us was convulsing with uncontrollable laughter, but the best was actually yet to come. Abandoning any interest in what happened to Calvin Bouchard and the unnamed female worker, Mike Brody, SeaWorld Handyman, and Dr. Katherine “Kay” Morgan, Marine Biologist, swim to the surface. In truly the cheesiest, most ill-conceived plot contrivance, the two dolphins jump out of the water triumphantly. Too cheap to film the shot “live,” the special effect crew mattes in film of one dolphin leaping out of the water. Even more cheaply, they don’t bother getting two distinct bits of dolphin footage, and simply flip the right-hand image onto the left hand side. It’s pretty amazing shit. And I do mean SHIIIIT.

Jaws 3D works on almost NO levels, save an excuse to sit and laugh your ass off for two hours. The special effects in 2D are laughable, but in 3D are laughable and freakish – the matte lines around the composited effects are ridiculously apparent. One would assume if the special effects are going to pushed into the audience’s face, you might attempt to make them look at least clean, let alone realistic.

Watching this movie with J, Dead Robot and Sharkboy was, despite the shittiness of the film, the most enjoyable two hours I’ve spent in a darkened theatre. We laughed from beginning to end and I would heartily recommend you watch this film…but only in 3D and only with people who appreciate the insanity of it all.

Worst. Ending. Shot. Ever.

*Jaws: The Revenge tried to tether itself to reality by pretending the events of Jaws 3-D never took place.

This past week, I had the pleasure (dubious as it may seem) of witnessing screenings of Friday the 13th – Part III 3D and Jaws 3-D, arguably the biggest hitters in the short-lived revival of 3D cinema in the early to mid-1980s.  Both were projected in their original 3D format at the Fox Theatre in The Beaches, Toronto.

Friday the 13th – Part III 3D

The third entry in the Friday the 13th series is notable for several reasons, not the least of which being that it is  filmed in 3D.  The film boasts the first donning of the iconic and infamous hockey mask by campsite culler, Jason Voorhees, and it has several memorable death scenes, most of which rely on 3D gimmicks for effectiveness.

F13-III picks up where II left off, recapping the final moments of that film.  The recap is not in 3D, however, which adds to the wow factor when the recently felled Voorhees casually rises, dusts himself off and picks up his trustee machete – all in three glorious dimensions…

Exit Stage Left.

…and cue the 3D credits.  The best way to describe the effectiveness of the the opening titles would be to say that it’s exactly like what it would be like if you were actually in a room with words really trying to poke you in the eye while bombarding you with bad disco.

Woah!

The movie then switches to the proper plot, showing Jason killing two hapless, store-owning hicks.  We’re treated to some fun 3D effects during this sequence – a laundry pole in your face, a TV antenna in your face, a rat in your face, a snake in your face, etc.  We’re also treated to some truly abysmal store management procedures.  The most intriguing 3D effect during the entire opening was the subtle layering effect of the shots of sheets drying on a laundry line; when you’ve got a knitting needle to the head and a butcher knife to the chest in the same sequence, it does not reflect well on the filmmakers, sadly.

We then meet our heroes, the typical (stereo-typical, mind) cross-section of American teens (not one actor was below 25, I swear) – two Sex-Crazed Buffoons who, thanks to the writers’ ingenuity (see: contrivance), have skirted the entire teen pregnancy issue by being presented as already pregnant (nice!); a Latino Girl who, you guessed it, has a heated, overly-fast shouting match with her over-protective mother before even being SEEN on-screen (nice!); our Virginal Heroine who is pegged as the survivor the second she rears her (not-too-overly-made-up-so-as-to-appear-less-slutty) head; the over-weight, annoying, nerd-cum-practical-joker-type, who is only coming along because he’s the “blind date” of Latino Girl (the rest of the group must REALLY hate her or she actually IS blind); and finally, two Stoners (who look like their ages, when summed, come out to no less than 65) that have clearly been added as a rip-off an homage to Cheech & Chong movies, except without anything funny to do.  The group piles into a most-child-molestery van and zips off to Higgin’s Haven, or Hadley’s Hope, or Harlot’s Hoven, or whatever (it doesn’t matter – the point is, it’s obviously some back water adjunct to Crystal Lake, stomping ground of the real hero: Jason Wilberforce Voorhees III).  On the way, they encounter an old hillbilly who is sleeping in the middle of the road and tells them some batshit crazy stuff about how they’re all gonna die.  To add emphasis to this prophetic monologue, he sticks a cow’s eye directly into the camera.

I hope that cow had some fun and games before losing that eye…

Ignoring the warning, the group arrives at the camp and starts exploring.  We’re introduced to the Teen Heartthrob, who looks about 40, and through tedious exposition, we learn that he and the Virgin Heroine had a past relationship (I’m sure it was rockin’ in that let’s-never-touch-each-other kind of way…).  Latino Girl and the Fat Nerd decide to head to the local General Store where they piss off some Catskills Gang Members who look like they’ve just escaped the Phantom Zone.

“I expect better manners from my guests, Zod.”

Desperate for revenge, the gang heads to Higgin’s Haven and manages to siphon all of the gas out of the van before being dispatched one-by-one at Jason’s hand (or pitchfork, to be specific).  The shot of the Chick Biker pinned to one of the support struts in the barn is particularly effective in 3D:  the pitchfork handle poking out at the audience while the other end is embedded firmly in her throat.

Oblivious to the blood bath taking place in the garage, Virgin Heroine and Teen Heartthrob head out for a walk (in a sudden gale storm) and the rest of the group amuses themselves…juggling.

Insert your own “balls” joke here.

The stupid juggling scene provides a fun 3D interlude, but more gore and mayhem awaits.  Latino Girl heads outside after shooting down Fat Nerd (we didn’t see that one coming) and sits by the lake.  The Stoners pass out.  The Sex-Crazies head upstairs to – you guessed it – have sex, which they do with surprising speed and agility considering it takes place in a hammock and lasts mere nanoseconds.  Emerging from her orgasmic haze, Sex-Crazed Preggo heads to the shower and asks Sex-Crazed Dude to get her a beer (misshapen baby head alert!).  He heads out into the hallway in a hand-stand and (in the stand-out death scene of the film) is sliced in two.

I.C. Weiner

Sex-Crazed Preggo is then dispatched with a knife through her chest while she lies in a hammock.  Outside, Latino Girl is scared shitless by Fat Nerd (in a hockey mask) as he grabs at her leg from beneath the surface of the lake – funny, huh?  He seems to think so, anyway.  She gets pissed and he dejectedly walks away, heading into the barn but not before dropping off his hockey mask and dart gun.  Can you see where this is going?  Jason grabs the mask and dart gun and heads out to the dock.   Latino Girl thinks it’s Fat Nerd (despite having no physical resemblance whatsoever) and before she can say, “You get outta MAH face!” Jason fires a dart directly at said face, hitting her square in the eye!  Another stand-out 3D effect.

Here’s seltzer in your eye!

We then cut to Virgin Heroine who tells Teen Heartthrob about a completely incongruous incident in her “past” (see: last week) whereby she ran away from home and hid in the woods.  An unknown assailant, bearing a striking resemblance to our hero, attempted to grope her in the woods.  I say “grope” because he couldn’t have been trying to kill her since she was able to escape through excessive squirming and shrieking.

Cut back to Higgin’s Haven where the Stoners have decided to wake up out of their pot-enduced coma.  Stoner Guy goes to make popcorn, providing the audience with a fun shot of popcorn flying at the screen.  When the power suddenly cuts out, he goes out to the cellar to check on the fuse box.  Jason gives him a closer look, flinging his weed-riddled body onto the console, causing it to short out in a shower of sparks.  Inside, Stoner Girl hears something outside and heads to the door.  Before she can fulfill the worst slasher film cliche on record (investigating a strange noise outside), Fat Nerd burst through the door, his throat slit from ear to ear – and that’s a LOT of throat.  Stoner Girl freaks and runs around aimlessly until Jason ceases her ranting with a red hot poker to the belly.

Milk of Magnesia, STAT!

At this point, all of the characters, aside from Virgin Heroine and Teen Heartthrob are dead.  We’re now treated to the obligatory “Where’s everyone?/Why is the power out?/Why is the tub overflowing?/Why is my previously chalk white hallway carpet suddenly this dark shade of burgundy?” scene with the survivors flailing around trying to figure out what’s happened.  Zzzzzz…

I’m sure I said, “Woolite – NOT blood.”

Jason eventually shows up, pinning down Teen Heartthrob.  Voorhees compresses his skull to the point that his left eye pops out in one of the more hilariously awful effects in the film.  I will say, however, that on regular TV this effect looks funny, but is so shocking in 3D that the shaky rod with a fake eyeball on the end is barely noticeable.

“An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind.” – Ghandi

Virgin Heroine is on her own.  She holds off Jason long enough to escape to the barn.  Inside, she employs some mind-numbingly stupid tactics to try and escape death (eg, jumping on Jason from the rafters – SMART!).  Thankfully, the leader of the gang (remember them?) wasn’t killed (normally, this kind of plot “twist” would stretch believability, but if you’re still “believing” at this point, the plot of this movie shouldn’t be your main concern) and manages to give Virgin Heroine some escape time.   After relieving the Gang Leader of his right forearm, Voorhees lifts up his mask and ogles Virgin Heroine.  AGHAST!!  Her random, woodsman attacker of last week was none other than Jason Voorhees!!

“Gra-?”

She starts freaking out and cracks him in the skull with a nearby axe.  BLAMMO!  Jason is dead…or is he?

Virgin Heroine, the lone survivor of the blood-bath, jumps into a random boat sitting on the shore of Crystal Lake Higgin’s Haven and pushes herself out to float around for some unknown reason.  She’s startled out of her sleep by a mumbling, groaning Jason who bursts out of the main door of the camp house.  But, wait…it’s just a dream.  No!  Mrs. Voorhees comes bursting out of the lake to grab Virgin Heroine and pull her under.  No, wait…that’s also just a dream.  The police lead Virgin Heroine away into a police car as she rambles incoherently, driven mad by the carnage she has witnessed.

The End.

Friday the 13th III – 3D works well as a F13 film.  The deaths are clever or funny or gorey or all three combined, which is really all anyone watches these films for (at least I do, anyway).  As a 3D effect film, it’s also quite entertaining.  Since most of the 3D effects are mechanical, in-camera effects, they work well in this medium (unlike a lot of Jaws III’s effects, but more on that in a later review).

Maybe it’s because of my eyes, or the print of the film, or the 3D glasses, but some of the effects just didn’t work.  Double images were ever present but this could possibly be due to my inability to focus quickly on varying fake “depths” depicted in a 3D film.

The audience watching it seemed a little subdued.  J and I laughed our asses off at many of the effects and horrible moments of clunky dialogue in the film, but we seemed to be alone in that level of enjoyment.  In any event, it was a fun night and a fun movie…although not nearly as fun as watching Jaws III-D was.

More to come…

In case anyone is curious, the term “split diopter” refers to a camera lense that has a portion of it covered by a filter, usually to provide two focus points within one shot, or piece of film.

The current header is an example of such a shot from Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) in which William Shatner (in foreground) is in focus along with the background (on the right). If you look closely, the fuzzy line in the center marks the “split” part of the split diopter (pictured above).  Below is another example from The Andromeda Strain (1971)